i could have died

Present Day- November 1997

Several weeks passed before I got the nerve to buy a pregnancy test. I’d been praying for weeks I wasn’t pregnant, but still my period hadn’t graced me with its presence.

Though my boyfriend, Tyler, was great by all accounts in my eyes, it wouldn’t be a good time for us to bring a baby into the world.

But now I had the test, the same kind I’d used the last time. Plus sign if I’m pregnant, minus if I’m not. The shower ran in our tiny bathroom, steaming up the mirror, since everyone was home. If I sat in there too long, they’d start wondering what I was doing. I didn’t want anyone to know about this yet, even Tyler, so I pretended to shower.

For two painstaking minutes, I kept my face buried in my hands unwilling to look at the test. Please let it be negative, please. The haunting memories of how my last pregnancy ended tortured me still, and there was no way I could go through that again, no matter what.

Maybe we’d get our own apartment and Tyler would grow up and get a real job. My job wasn’t bad, but to live on our own we’d need more guaranteed money than what I brought in. Life could come together. I had faith in that.

We could work this out. We could make it work.

After what seemed like an eternity but was hopefully two minutes, I braved a look at the test on the sink. The pink plus sign was unmistakable.

Defeated, I threw the plastic test and its wrapper in the trash, then balled up a bunch of toilet paper on top of it in hopes no one would see it.

***

A week and a half after learning I was pregnant, Tyler and I headed to my mom’s apartment for dinner. This was something we did regularly. Every other week, at least, we would go to our hometown of Willow Grove where our moms still lived and have dinner with one or the other.

“I need to make a stop really quick,” Tyler said as we drove away from our apartment in Joliet. It was a drug related stop, but I was immune to these things now. It was almost like I accepted this as a normal part of life. I mean, didn’t everyone’s boyfriend sell weed?

I sat in my Chevy Cavalier outside the house flipping the radio stations when Tyler frantically got back in, slamming the door. “Go, go, go!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked causally, putting the car in drive.

He glanced behind us nervously, his hazel eyes full of a fear I didn’t recognize. “Just go! Fast!”

I pulled into the street just as I heard a popping sound and my back window shattered. I screamed and let my foot off the gas pedal. Tyler pushed my leg, forcing my foot back onto the pedal.

“You have to drive, Jen, as fast as you can.” His words were calm, providing the reassurance I needed.

“What happened?” I asked, my voice high pitched and strained, the wheels in my head turning faster than the wheels on my car.

“They shot at us.”

“With a gun?” My hands shook. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He watched behind us for the assailants who were unseen by me. My body felt tense, panic stricken. “Why did they shoot?” He didn’t answer. “Tyler, what is going on?”

“Go left.”

I breathed deeply to control the fear overwhelming me, but I’d never been so terrified in all my life. “Are they following us?”

He shook his head. “Go left at the light.”

I met his eyes while we waited for the left turn arrow. Everything around me faded into the background and all I saw was him, coupled with the fact that everything in my life was a mess. “I’m pregnant.”

He didn’t speak or show any emotion, his hard expression unchanging. Our eyes held and I waited for something from him to let me know he’d heard me; a nod of the head, anything.

A car honked behind us, and I snapped back to reality. I turned left and we drove in silence. “Pull into that gas station,” he said. “Next to the payphone.”

I half-listened as he called Dwayne, the police officer who’d come to the house a few weeks earlier. Tyler was some sort of informant for the police, but I didn’t know much more than that.

While he talked, I noticed something I hadn’t before. There was a bullet imbedded in the dash of my car, just to the right of my speedometer.

Slowly, realization spread through me like a disease consuming my life.

I could have died.

I’m pregnant.

My boyfriend is a drug dealer.

The impending sobs choked me, and I struggled to breathe as they took hold of me like a noose. My body began to tremble, my stomach knotted, and the edges of my vision became jagged with red. I thought I might pass out. Everything was fuzzy.

Tyler turned to me with a confused look but didn’t hang up the phone or say ‘hold on’ or make any effort to comfort me. My chest heaved as the tears fell on my cheeks like rain in a desert. It had been so long since I’d last cried, but now I was petrified with fear. I felt like a scared little girl who thought there was a monster in her closet, about to jump out and drag me into his realm of terror.

My eyes scanned the parking lot and the cars at the gas pumps. Everyone looked suspicious. Would they come after us again?

“Are you ok?” he asked when he’d finally hung up the phone.

I searched his face; I was obviously anything but ok. My hand moved to the spot in the dash where the bullet was, his eyes followed. My focus remained on his face. He didn’t look at all affected by the fact that a bullet had come so close to me. When he said nothing, I forced my mouth to move. “I could’ve died.”

He shook his head. “No, you would’ve been fine.”

My brow furrowed at him. “I would’ve been fine?”

He nodded, decidedly sure of himself. “It might have grazed your shoulder, but you wouldn’t have died.”

I stared at him incredulously. What if the shooter’s aim had been just inches to the left and hit my head? Would I have lived then? How could Tyler not understand this?

“We have to go to Crest Hill.”

“No.” I shook my head. “We’re going to my mom’s.” I needed someone to comfort me, and apparently Tyler, my boyfriend of the past two years, didn’t understand this.

“No. That can wait. I need to meet Dwayne.” He met my eyes. “You want them to get away with that?”

We drove in silence to Crest Hill, past the familiar sights, but I never saw them. My mind scattered all over the place, thoughts falling like confetti into my brain. It was a fight to keep the tears from clouding my eyes so I could drive. Tyler seemed utterly unaffected by what happened and the fact I’d just told him he was going to be a father.

“Hey,” he said as I put the car in Park. “I heard you earlier. I just can’t think about it right now.” He reached over and cupped the side of my face with his right hand, tucking my hair behind my ear. “We’ll talk about it later, ok?” His hazel eyes were soft.

My heart rested; he’d heard me and had let the fact he would be a father permeate his mind. Maybe that’s what he’d been thinking about as we drove. Maybe he realized he’d need to change his ways.

I nodded and he started to get out of the car. “Can I come in?” I asked, suddenly terrified of the possibility of staying in the car alone.

He gave me a crooked smile. “Of course.”

Dwayne waited inside for us. Seeing him in the bright light of the police station, I was able to tell he wasn’t as dark skinned as I thought he was that day in our dim apartment. His eyes were a dark caramel brown. I guessed his age to be around thirty and concluded he was an extremely attractive man.

His build reminded me of Ryan Gallagher’s, big and muscular, and I wondered if he treated women like Ryan did: abusively. It was a ludicrous assessment, but my mind wasn’t quite right at the moment.

“Hello, Jennifer.” Dwayne greeted me with a handshake. I mustered a meek smile and avoided his eyes.

“She’s pretty shook up,” Tyler said.

“That’s understandable.”

He made me feel uneasy. I couldn’t pinpoint why; maybe because he was a cop. “Is there a bathroom I can use?”

“Follow me.” Tyler and I followed Dwayne down a wood paneled hallway. “The bathroom’s right there, Jennifer. Come in here when you’re done.” He pointed to a door across the hall.

In the bathroom, I made myself throw up in an attempt to feel better. It didn’t work. In fact, I felt worse. I hadn’t had anything but coffee, so there wasn’t much to come back up. It hurt my stomach to strain, forcing the bile and despair out of me.

I stared at my still terrified reflection in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and red, my cheeks tear-streaked and puffy. What had become of my life? How could I be here, in a police station, after being shot at? This wasn’t the life I’d planned for myself. My plans were a world apart from anything like this. What happened to medical school? This was a far cry from anything I’d once envisioned for myself.

And now a baby.

I splashed water on my face and dried it off with a paper towel. For the first time since even suspecting I was pregnant, I pulled up my shirt and looked at my stomach. I looked past my skin and inside to the tiny human who relied on me for everything it needed to make it to life. “Dear God, help us.” I rubbed my flat belly lightly. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I’ll make everything ok, I promise you now and forever. We will be ok.”

I made the baby a part of me, solidifying its existence into my reality.

Tyler needed to make some changes. Our precious child couldn’t be exposed to things like drugs, shootings, and bullet holes in the dashboard.

I joined Tyler and Dwayne in the other room where they went over the details of what happened less than an hour earlier. I sank into a leather desk chair next to Tyler and laid my head on the cool table. His warm hand rested on my back, rubbing softly in small circles.

“We’ll definitely add this to the things he’ll be charged with,” Dwayne said. “And now that he’s resorted to violence, we need to move faster. We’ll get you the money and then go there with Mark. Keep things on the up and up, then when it seems he trusts Mark, we’ll move in.”

Tyler nodded. “You think he’ll let me back in?”

Dwayne chuckled casually, flashing a bright smile. “If you got the money, yeah, he’ll let you in. You’ll have to play like you’re sorry and bend over a little for him, but it’ll be cool.”

Tyler was going to return to where we’d been shot? “Is he getting paid for this?”

They looked at me like I asked if the sky was blue. “We’ve got something worked out, Jennifer,” Dwayne answered.

He needed to stop calling me Jennifer.

I looked at Tyler. “What about my window?” I’d been saving money again, but I really didn’t want to spend it, especially not now with the baby on its way. And I’d stopped paying my car insurance months ago, so I couldn’t file a claim.

Tyler looked at Dwayne. “Can you help us out with that?”

Dwayne nodded. “Get an estimate and I’ll get you a check.”

We left a few minutes later. “You can drive,” I told Tyler as we walked to the car. “What kind of deal do you have with him?”

“I have immunity. And they’ve dropped the charges against me.”

Confusion settled in, but I didn’t want to know any more. I didn’t know anything about any charges in the first place and another seed of doubt took root in my heart. He’d obviously been keeping secrets from me, and I had the feeling this was just the tip of the iceberg. “I don’t want to go to my mom’s. Let’s just go home.”

“You know she’ll be pissed. Plus, I told my mom I’d stop by since we’d be out there.”

I closed my eyes and prayed. It was a prayer of thanks for my life being spared, and it was a prayer for the tiny human inside me. And her dad. He needed prayers more than anyone now. He needed to grow up and be a man, be responsible.

It was a girl. I came to this conclusion based on the fact I’d not had any morning sickness and smells weren’t bothering me like they had the last time I’d been pregnant with the boy. Mason.

A new sob gathered in my throat as we neared Willow Grove. I sat up and took a deep breath. My mom would see through any façade I tried to portray, so my puffy face wouldn’t matter. I just hoped she didn’t see my busted back window and ask questions. What would I possibly tell her? ‘Oh yeah, Mom, it was a drug deal gone bad. No biggie.’

perfect people

Senior year- Spring 1995

I rolled my eyes and glanced around for someone to cover my register when those perfect people came towards the entrance. There wasn’t anyone even remotely close who could save me, so I stood frozen in place, wearing my nasty McDonald’s uniform. The three of them walked in, spotted me and turned to each other, snickering.

I didn’t speak and avoided eye contact. They used to be friendly to me, but only because we shared a mutual friend, Tyler. I had even hung out with them when I’d first moved here, but then the rumors started, and I was quick to discover they weren’t my friends at all.

They walked to my register, smiling as if they were happy to see me. I knew better.

I’m anything but perfect. You could say I’m the opposite of perfect. There’s nothing special or extraordinary about me. I could look in the mirror and see there was nothing to brag about, what with my straggly brown hair and boring coffee-colored eyes. No one looked twice at me. I just blended into the background.

Unless, of course, someone pointed and whispered. That happened a lot, even though it had been almost four years since the supposed incident. No one believed my side of the story. The incident had earned me a reputation that stuck with me since my freshman year, and now I was a senior about to graduate.

It didn’t matter to anyone that I was in college prep classes and made honor roll every quarter. All that mattered was a few false rumors some stupid boy decided to spread about me back when I was stupid enough to believe someone- anyone- could love me.

“Hi, Jenny,” Brooke Gallagher said sweetly. Being fake was a quality all three of these girls excelled at. I grumbled a response and waited for their order. They stammered over the menu for an eternity as if they’d never been to McDonald’s before in their life.

Of the three, Brooke was the most tolerable. When she wasn’t around the other two, she was nowhere near as nasty. But Sadie Montgomery and Renee Phillips never eased up from their despicable attitudes. And Sadie was the nemesis of my existence. She was my polar opposite, and I loathed the sight of her. But I tolerated her, for him. Her boyfriend, Tyler, was one of my only friends. She was everything I wasn’t and I’m sure that’s why, despite the friendship we shared, he was with her.

“Ok, we’re ready,” Renee said with a flip of her ginger hair. “I’ll have a cheeseburger with no onion and a small diet coke.” She dropped her designer purse on the counter and opened it. “And there better not be any onions on it or I’ll throw it back at you, got it?”

I glared at her as she handed me her money, ignoring her empty threat.

Brooke ordered next, asking for a chicken nugget Happy Meal and a strawberry shake.

Sadie didn’t order. “I’ll wait ‘till Tyler gets here and have him pay.” She looked straight at me, like maybe I would be jealous.

I walked away from the register and found Roger by the grill. “Make sure Renee has extra onions on her burger.”

He chuckled. “I can read the screen.” He pointed to where it said, ‘no onion.’

I returned to my post on the front line and waited for the food so I could put it on their trays and get them out of my sight. Their hushed voices wore on my nerves, and I wondered what they could possibly be saying about me.

I sighed as I put the food on the trays, then stifled a laugh as I chose a boy toy for Brooke’s happy meal. The trays thumped on the counter when I set them down and Sadie made a remark about how great the service was. I rolled my eyes and waited for them to go away.

Less than five minutes later, Tyler Blakely showed up with his friend Ryan Gallagher.

I saw the familiar old truck pull recklessly into the parking lot and watched as they got out and walked to the door. My eyes diverted to the girls to see if they’d noticed Tyler pull up, but they were too wrapped up in whatever gossip they shared to notice anything but themselves.

The guys came in and approached the counter, glancing towards the tables to see the girls. I waited impatiently for Tyler to look at me.

“Hey,” he said finally. I glowered at him as I rung in his order. He always ordered the same thing- a Big Mac meal- so there was no need to ask what he wanted. “Do you need a ride home?” he asked quietly as he paid.

“No. But you better see if she needs anything. She said she was waiting to order so you could pay.”

He looked at me with uncertainty before he turned toward the table. “Sadie, you need anything?”

She smiled at him, as sweet as pie and fake as could be. “No, I’m fine.”

Only Tyler would be dumb enough to fall for someone like her. I took the money from him and put it in the register.

“You sure you don’t need a ride?”

“Yeah. Roger said he’ll give me a ride.” My car, if you could call it that, needed some kind of belt that I couldn’t afford until payday without dipping into savings.

He looked over my shoulder at Roger in the grill area. “Ok.”

I couldn’t help staring at him. It was just something I had grown accustomed to. He must’ve too. And I didn’t stare because I was in love with him- because there was no such thing as love. I stared because I couldn’t believe how much he had changed since meeting him the summer before we started eighth grade. He turned himself into someone else and I hated it.

“Can I order?” Ryan asked impatiently. Generally, Ryan was nice to me. He was Brooke’s twin brother, so maybe their parents had taught them some values early on in life that were ingrained in them. But he was dating Renee, which was odd in my opinion. He was a good-looking guy and could easily date any girl at school, but he chose her. He was the ‘golden boy;’ everyone always talking about all the great things he did. He played every sport and was at the top of our graduating class, had been there since freshman year, and we had a lot of classes together.

I wished he would take Sadie away from Tyler. Then maybe Tyler would start acting normal again. But then again, Ryan was a whole lot smarter than Tyler.

I tried not to pay attention to the five of them, but it was hard. Sadie was obvious with her affection for Tyler, but maybe that’s just how my mind worked. They sat there for an hour, laughing and having what looked to be a good time, and I felt a pang of jealousy because deep down I wished for a group of friends I could hang out with.

No, I didn’t.

When they left no one said goodbye; not even Tyler. Not that I expected him to, but it would have been nice.

all there was to it

Present day- November 1997

At home, Tyler regaled the tale of what happened to his brother Kevin and his girlfriend, Natalie.

“You’re getting in this too deep, Ty,” Kevin accurately assessed. “You need to step back.” Kevin lived with us, along with his ex-girlfriend Danielle. Natalie had her own apartment, and Kevin spent more time there than at home these days.

“It’ll be over soon. Probably by Christmas.”

Feeling exhausted, I went to lie in bed. Tyler came in about an hour later and cradled himself next to me wordlessly, his hand resting intentionally on my stomach.

Neither of us moved all night. He still lay behind me with his hand on my stomach when I woke for my shift at Prairie Acres Nursing Center. His eyes opened when I pulled away from him. He rolled to his back and stretched. “How’re you feeling?”

I shrugged. “I’m ok.”

He watched as I gathered my work scrubs and left the room. After I showered and got myself ready, I returned to the bedroom to say goodbye. He’d fallen back to sleep. I leaned down and gently kissed his lips. His eyes opened as he sat up. “I’m gonna drive you,” he said. “So I can get that estimate for the window.”

When he dropped me off at the work he said, “We’ll talk tonight and figure out what we’re gonna do.”

His words stayed with me all day, not sure what he thought there was to talk about. We were having a baby, he needed to get serious, and we needed our own place. That’s all there was to it.

When Tyler picked me up, rap music blared out of my little black car. I turned it down when I got in, afraid it would bother the baby. “Why’d you do that?” he asked.

“It’s too loud. Did you get the estimate?”

“Yeah.” He flipped a carbon paper at me. “You care if we stop at Wal-Mart?”

He led me to the electronics department when we arrived and started to flip through the CD’s. I spotted the new Shania Twain one and picked it up. He was taking entirely too long. “I’ll be back,” I told him. “I’m gonna look at some stuff.”

He nodded but didn’t look my way. I moved to the baby department and wandered aimlessly with my CD. I made mental notes of the prices of cribs and car seats and swings, compiling a list in my head of everything we needed to buy. The little girl’s clothes were beautiful, all frilly and feminine. Excitement grew inside me for the gift I’d been given, the gift of a child. I debated purchasing one of the dainty little dresses but decided against it. I could be wrong about the sex, I suppose.

Tyler dropped me off at home and said he’d be back. I figured he was going to give the estimate to Dwayne, but he didn’t return until four in the morning. He fell into bed next to me, reeking of cigarettes and alcohol, and didn’t even notice I was awake.

I sighed and willed sleep to come, but it didn’t for another four hours. So much for talking. What kind of father would Tyler be if he was out running around all hours of the night, doing God knows what?

Changes had to happen.

At two in the afternoon, I woke up in a panic. There was less than an hour until I had to be at work. “Tyler, wake up. I gotta work in an hour.” I knew he’d want to drive me since I’d be at work until 11:30. Surely, he’d need the car while I was gone. He had a truck of his own, but it was worthless.

“Ok, ok.” His eyes barely opened, and he pulled me down on top of him and started kissing me.

“No, Ty, I’m gonna be late.”

“Mmmm,” he groaned. His eyes opened and he smiled at me, giving me a single kiss. I stood and continued dressing while he rolled out of bed.

He watched me pull my shirt over my head, and then moved close and lifted my shirt and looked at my stomach. His fingers made the lightest of tickles across the plane of my abdomen.

in love with me forever

We were sixteen- Summer 1993

I’d never drank before and managed three beers that night. Me, Tyler, and his brother Kevin had been hiding in their bedroom because the living room wall in their apartment met up with the living room wall in my apartment and my mom was surely sitting on the couch watching TV. If she heard us, she’d likely come looking for me and I was in no condition to be found by a parental figure.

We’d been neighbors and friends for three years, living in the same apartment building, just across the hall from one another.

Tyler and I sat on his bed, Kevin on his. Kevin graduated high school two weeks earlier; Tyler and I had just finished our sophomore year. My head spun from the alcohol, and I laid back and closed my eyes while they bantered about one thing or another. My fingertips subconsciously tickled my bare stomach, my shirt lifted just slightly to show some skin. The sensation I felt made me giggle and the guys stopped talking.

“What’re you doing?” Kevin asked.

“It tickles,” I said. “Especially this one spot over to the side.” I lifted my t-shirt a little higher and gave myself the fluttery sensation again. My eyes were still closed, but my smile was wide. The light touch of my own fingers gave me such a great feeling and I couldn’t stop. The one spot off to the right made me jump every time.

I felt the weight of Kevin sit on Tyler’s bed, but still didn’t open my eyes. “Can I try?” he asked.

“Sure,” I replied. “It’s right here.” I pointed to the spot that made me giggle and pulled my cotton t-shirt as high as it could go without showing too much.

His fingertips lightly touched my stomach as he moved them around slowly, trying to create the same sensation I’d been able to do myself. “Is it the same?”

“No. You’re not doing it right.”

“Tyler, you try.”

For a moment, no one touched me, but then I felt the lightest touch brush across my midsection. He hit the ticklish spot almost immediately and my body jerked in reaction. I opened my eyes and met Tyler’s gaze. He grinned sheepishly. I smiled wide and bit my lower lip. “You found it.”

“I figured that,” he whispered, his voice thick.

I closed my eyes again as he continued to run his fingers across my abdomen, my body jerking in reaction every few moments. “You have no idea how good that feels.”

After a few moments, Tyler lowered his body beside mine, never breaking the most perfect touch. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek and opened my eyes to see his face just inches from mine.

All my intelligence flew out the window. My best and only friend in the world lay close enough to kiss, making my body feel sensations it’d never felt before. His hazel eyes looked more green than brown and burned into me and spoke desire into my soul.

I reached up and touched his face, urging him closer to me. He hesitated for a fleeting moment but lowered his lips to mine.

“And I’m outta here,” Kevin said, but neither of us paid attention.

Tyler seemed unsure of what was happening at first as I feverishly kissed him. Then it was like male instinct kicked in and his hand moved from my stomach to my chest.

We’d never talked about exactly how far he’d gone with a girl before. I knew he was a virgin, and he knew I wasn’t. That was the extent of it.

I pulled my shirt over my head and took off my bra; any inhibition that may have stopped me was gone. The alcohol had its hold on my actions, moving my hands for me. And I liked it.

His eyes were wide with yearning as my mouth found his again, his hand quickly exploring the exposed parts of my body. I let my hands wander his form and concentrated on the fact that I was doing this so he’d fall in love with me. I pushed out the menacing feeling of doubt telling me this was a mistake.

I did everything I’d been taught when I was thirteen with Tyler that night, knowing he’d be in love with me forever.

not now

Present day- November 1997

Tyler’s fingers found the ticklish spot on my stomach and my body jerked away from him. “Stop. You know we have to go.”

“You look beautiful.”

“I haven’t even showered!”

“Still.”

I didn’t think it was possible to feel any more in love and my night at work flew by. I couldn’t wait to get home so we could talk about all the future would hold for us and Angelica.

That’s the name I’d chosen for our daughter.

He was fifteen minutes late, but I didn’t care. I planted a kiss on his cheek when I got in the car. “You’re in a good mood,” he said, a smile playing on his lips.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

He grinned at me. I studied him as he drove the familiar route home. He’d shaved, and he always looked better when he shaved. Reaching over, I brushed his smooth cheek.

No one else was home when we arrived. Kevin was undoubtedly with Natalie and Danielle was probably at work.

I gathered a change of clothes and went to the bathroom for a shower. Once I was under the hot stream of water, lathering shampoo into my hair, Tyler came in. “Have you made a doctor’s appointment yet?”

“No, not yet.”

“How pregnant do you think you are?” I was relieved we were finally talking about this, even if we weren’t exactly face to face.

“Um, let’s see. I haven’t had a period since, like, the end of June, I guess.”

“June? What month is it now?”

I laughed. “It’s November. Today’s the sixth.”

“So you’re like six months pregnant?”

I tried not to laugh. “No, I probably got pregnant sometime in July, maybe August. I’m probably three months or so. Maybe close to four.”

“Oh.” He exhaled loudly. “You probably should get an appointment soon.”

“You’re right.” I ran a Bic razor along my legs. “I need to get a public aid card first since I don’t have insurance.”

“Oh. Ok. Do you want some pizza? There was one in the freezer; I put it in the oven.”

“Sure.”

When I came into the living room twenty minutes later, he handed me a slice of pizza on a plate. “What do you need a public aid card for?”

The pizza was burnt, but I took a bite anyway. “For the doctor’s appointments and stuff. Prenatal vitamins.”

He stared at me for a long moment, holding his slice of pizza inches from his open mouth. “What?”

I swallowed. “What?”

“Prenatal vitamins?”

“Yeah, they’re vitamins you take when you’re pregnant. They help the baby develop and prevent birth defects.”

He closed his eyes briefly. Did he seriously not know what prenatal vitamins were? When he opened his eyes, he set his pizza on the plate and stood up. “You think you’re having this baby?”

It had never occurred to me that he wouldn’t want to. But suddenly, in light of his disgusted expression, I realized he wasn’t on the same page as me. “Yes,” I said with authority.

“Are you nuts, Jenny?” He shook his head and moved to the couch, sitting beside me, a very serious look on his face. “Why would you want to do that? We’re broke all the time, you have a dead-end job, I sell drugs, we live with my brother and some skank, my truck doesn’t hardly run, and we have a trash bag for a back window in the car. Why would you want to bring a baby into all this?”

I didn’t falter. “We can get our own place, Ty. And you can get a real job. The window will get fixed, and we can use the money I saved to fix your truck or get a new one.” I shrugged. “It’ll all work out.”

“What about school? You need to go back.”

“It can wait.”

He shook his head. “No way. It won’t work. It sounds easy, but it won’t be. Who will watch the kid when you’re at work?”

I didn’t like the way he said when you’re at work. This wasn’t going the way I’d envisioned. “It’ll all work out, Tyler. Have a little faith.”

He snorted, looked away from me. “You need to have a little common sense. And an abortion.”

My jaw dropped. I stared at him, but his glare didn’t weaken. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“No.” He shook his head slowly. “Not at all.”

“There is no way I will do that again,” I whispered. I tossed my plate and half eaten slice of pizza on the coffee table.

“Why not?”

I searched his eyes. They were cold and uncaring, causing a sick feeling to rise inside me. It was like he’d suddenly become someone I didn’t know. “Don’t you remember what it was like?” My hands went to my abdomen, as if to protect the little life inside. “All the crying? Do you have any idea what that was like for me?”

His eyes softened slightly. “No, Jen, I really don’t. But I know what it will be like if you have a baby.”

Adrenaline pumped into my veins, angering me. “Well, get used to the idea.”

He let out a short breath and looked away from me. “You’re stupid.” He stood and walked to the kitchen. “You can have an abortion for Ryan Gallagher, but not me. I thought we had something that meant a little more than that.”

Shock registered in me. He looked at my abortion as something I’d done for Ryan. He thought I was being unfair to him for wanting to have his baby.

I stood and marched toward him. I needed to explain to him how I wanted this baby because I loved him, and I knew we could be a family and make this work. But he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “Tyler, stop.” I pulled at his arms, wanting them around me.

He uncrossed his arms and shoved me lightly, just enough to get me to back up. “If you keep this baby, we’re done. It’s over for us. I do not want a baby right now.”

My heart slammed against the walls of my chest. The floor seemed to move under my feet. My arms circled my midsection and tears stung my eyes. “Tyler, no.”

“Sorry.”

“But you were willing to be supportive when it was Ryan’s. What’s so different now?”

“The difference is it’s my baby. I’m not responsible at all. You know this. I can’t be anyone’s dad. I can’t even remember to pick you up from work on time.”

“It’s ok. It’ll be ok.”

He shook his head and smiled at me. “No, it won’t. Get rid of this one. Get your ass back in school. I’ll straighten my act up by then and we’ll have plenty of little brats, ok. But not now, Jenny. Not now.”

He walked around me, leaving me bewildered in the kitchen. After several moments of shock, I went into the bedroom and locked the door behind me. I cried, feeling abandoned, alone, and more afraid than when I discovered the bullet in my dash.

I couldn’t believe Tyler said we’d be over if I kept this baby.

My little Angelica.

How would I live without him? I needed him like oxygen, maybe even more so. I kept waiting for him to rap on the door and ask to come in so he could apologize, tell me he was wrong. That he couldn’t wait to have this baby with me. I waited for him to come in and say he loved me and the baby more than his very life.

The knock never came.

As the hours passed, a plan developed in my mind, and even if it didn’t work, I still knew I’d made the right decision. This baby was coming whether Tyler liked it or not.

I was scheduled for first shift in the morning. Once I was sure Tyler was asleep, his little snores coming from the living room, I grabbed the phone and brought it back into the bedroom, once again locking the door behind me.