mental patient

Sadie Montgomery twirled her curly blonde hair with her finger while she picked absentmindedly at her salad, her eyes downcast. Jenny Boston studied her from the other side of the booth amidst the clamor around them at IHOP. Jenny was torn as she stared at the definition of perfection sitting across her. She questioned the stories Sadie told her because part of Jenny still hated her. “I mean, I guess I could leave him if I really wanted to,” Sadie said. “I’m just not so sure I do.”

Jenny sighed, resigned to pretending to be concerned. There was no way Sadie was being honest. “Won’t your parents help you?” Sadie’s dad was a cop; he wouldn’t let his daughter be treated this way.

Her laugh was cynical. “Sure, they’d love to. So would Aaron, but like I said, I’m not sure I want to leave.”

It was all made up, Jenny was sure. That’s all there was to it. No one with half a brain would stay with a man who treats them the way she says Ryan treats her. “Well, whatever, Sadie. It’s up to you, I guess.”

“I’m glad you understand, Jenny.” Sadie flashed a sad smile. “Everyone else thinks they can just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” She looked like an angel with sad eyes. “But all that just makes them against me. And they think they’re helping.” She let out a short laugh. “It just makes it worse.”

Jenny consciously stopped herself from rolling her eyes. Why had she agreed to have lunch with this girl? Five years ago she would have rather eaten with a band of murderers than Sadie Montgomery. But when Sadie called, for some reason Jenny was intrigued by breaking bread with the girl who’d been her worst enemy in high school. And there was something in Sadie’s sky-blue eyes that held untold secrets, but now Jenny figured it was just mental illness making her look that way.

“Well, I don’t think it’s right, what he’s doing to you,” Jenny offered, trying her best to sound sympathetic. “And I know if my boyfriend ever did something like that, he’d be in jail, and I’d be gone. But I’m not you, so I can’t speak for you.”

“Oh, he’s been in jail.” She tossed a hand in the air like what she was saying was old news. “Tell me about your boyfriend.”

“His name is Alex. He’s from Springfield.”

Sadie looked doubtful. “Springfield? Do you ever get to see him?”

“Actually, no.” Jenny picked up her napkin, wiped her mouth. “He’s a missionary in a country called Tajikistan.”

Something flickered in Sadie’s eyes, but she looked away. “A Christian missionary?”

“Yeah. He’ll be gone another eighteen months.” Just saying it made Jenny’s heart ache.

“So, do you go to church?” she asked, glancing at Jenny through her long, dark eyelashes.

Jenny shrugged one shoulder. “Sometimes.”

Sadie stared down at her food. “Do you think maybe I could go with you sometime, like, when Ryan’s at work?”

Jenny felt superior in Sadie’s presence for the first time in her life. She’d always loathed her for having such a perfect life, the perfect boyfriend, all the friends. But now Sadie wanted to be her friend, confide in her. Even if the things she confided were lies. “I guess. Would Ryan not want you to go?”

“Not without him,” she said quickly, shaking her head. “We go with our families, but I want to go alone. I need to figure some things out.”

“Like what?”

She shrugged, looked out the window. “Like what I’m doing wrong.”

What she said didn’t make a lot of sense, but then again, Jenny figured most of what she said was more than likely lies.

The Ryan Jenny knew didn’t seem like the type to be so mean. Sure, Jenny saw him hit her that one time a few years ago, but they were both drunk and he said he didn’t mean it. The Ryan who came to Jenny’s house last night wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’d told Jenny that Sadie drank too much and had some serious issues. Those issues were solidifying like cement right before Jenny’s eyes as Sadie told tall tales about a man who bit and hit her, pushed her down, shoved her and even beat her in a gravel parking lot in front of her friends.

Jenny wanted to call her out on her stories and forget she’d ever heard them. But she didn’t. For now, she’d be the supportive friend to the mental patient.

***

There were few things in Sadie’s life she controlled.

Life had come to a point for her where she didn’t think it mattered anymore what she did, it would still be wrong. Her will to live had vaporized like steam. She didn’t understand what had happened to Ryan, or why he even wanted to be with her. He told her he hated her, ripping her slowly, wounding her through and through. But he also said he loved her, which was like salt in the wound, the wound he created.

This was just a rough patch, she tried to convince herself, and they’d get through it.

Sometimes she thought death would be better than this, but she was afraid of hell, and Ryan told her she was unworthy of heaven, so life was where she stayed.

She made her way into the courthouse where she worked, through the metal detector and to the elevator. When the heavy doors opened in slow motion, her supervisor, Rick, stood on the other side, riding upstairs from the basement cafeteria. There was another lady in the small elevator who Sadie recognized as a court reporter from the second floor.

Sadie heaved a weighty and obvious sigh, stepped into the elevator feeling like she was putting herself in the line of fire. With her eyes closed, she replayed the last twenty-four hours quickly in her head, trying to remember if there would be anything Rick might question if he beckoned her to his office this afternoon.

Last night Ryan threw a shoe at her, hitting her in the head. She ignored what he did and that angered him more, so he picked up the shoe, straddled her where she sat on the couch and beat her head repeatedly, as if he were hammering a nail. The reason for what he did was unknown to Sadie, but then again, she didn’t understand very much about the man who’d once been her best friend.

She didn’t cry anymore. Sometimes she didn’t even try to fight him.

Usually she didn’t know why he did it.

No, there wouldn’t be any new bruises for Rick to silently question.

She opened her eyes when the elevator stopped, and the court reporter exited wordlessly. Sadie worked in the probation office, tracking court ordered substance abuse treatment, which was ironic in more ways than one. Ryan was actually on probation for domestic battery and drug charges. The other reason this was ironic was because she was an alcoholic with a cocaine habit who held a degree in Addictions Counseling. And the only reason she still had a job was because she was able to seduce her middle-aged supervisor, who she was now alone with in the elevator.

No wonder she was going to hell.

She could feel Rick’s eyes penetrating her. It felt like a peeping tom who watched you for eight hours a day, five days a week. She closed her eyes again, wishing for a space transport machine that would zap her to her cubicle on the eighth floor. Her body leaned against the wall, her mind visualizing the most beautiful face she’d ever seen.

“Sadie?” Rick’s voice interrupted her daydream. Damn him. “Are you drunk?”

Turning towards him, she straightened her body. “What if I am?”

He took a step closer to her, desire like a fire in his eyes. “Are you?”

She rolled her eyes. “What are you gonna do? Fire me?” She backed up until her back hit the wall, particularly disgusted by him today.

He took a step back, remembering they were in the elevator, not his office. “I have some files I need you to look at.”

“I’ll bet you do.” The elevator opened. Sadie rushed out, moving quickly to the bathroom where she wrenched her stomach into the porcelain toilet. She calculated in her head all the people in her life she truly felt hate for.

Her own name rose easily to the top of the list.

Thirty minutes later, Rick’s office door opened. He poked his head out casually, smiling at the other three people in the office, his eyes settling on Sadie. “Sadie, can you bring those files I was talking about?”

***

“She told me you beat her all the time,” Jenny told Ryan Gallagher. They sat casually on Jenny’s bed, backs to the wall, their knees touching lightly.

He chuckled. “See! I told you she has issues!”

Jenny smiled, wondering why she ever thought there was any truth to Sadie’s ramblings. “She seems like an entirely different person than she was.”

“Yeah, she is.” He sighed, his blue eyes troubled. “You should probably just steer clear of her.”

“Why? I’m not gonna tell her you’ve been coming over here.”

“It’s not that. I just know how she is, and she will suck you dry with all her lies and stories.”

Jenny waved her hand in the air, dismissing his suggestion. “Did you forget? I already know what it’s like for her boyfriend?”

In high school, Sadie’s boyfriend, Tyler, was Jenny’s best friend. After they broke up, Tyler and Jenny tried to have a relationship for two and a half years. The only good thing that came out of that was their beautiful daughter, Angel, not that any of Jenny’s new-found friends knew about her.

He laughed softly. “Yeah, I suppose you’ve heard this all before. It’s strange how history repeats itself.”

“Oh, no, Ryan. History is not repeating itself. There’s nothing going on between us but talking.”

He smiled, looked across the room. “Cheating doesn’t have to be physical. It can be emotional, too.”

She cocked her head. “This isn’t cheating. This is two old friends talking.”

“Two old friends who almost had a baby.”

Ryan locked his eyes on hers and Jenny willed herself to think about anything but what he said. “Ok, well, you can go now.” Quickly, she rose from the bed, moved toward the door.

“Sorry,” he muttered, not moving from the bed.

For a moment she studied him. He was so good looking, and back in high school she would never have dreamed he would sit on her bed apologizing to her. But now he was a man, taller than her by nearly a foot with muscles bulging from every place on his body. “I told you there were certain things we will never talk about.”

“Right, I know.” His blue eyes were shadowed.

Her heart went out to him, this grown man on her bed who seemed utterly drained and broken. She sat back down on her tattered comforter, slightly closer to Ryan than before. “Doesn’t she ever wonder where you are?”

“I don’t know.”

“She doesn’t ask?”

He looked slightly agitated. “Even if she does wonder, she would never ask.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s cheating on me now and she was cheating on me the whole time I was in the service.”

“How do you know?”

He scoffed. “Her eyes don’t lie.”

Jenny let his words flow into her like a river, causing her to wonder if she could look into Sadie’s eyes and tell if she was lying about Ryan beating her. “Who’s she cheating on you with?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I thought maybe it was my friend Corey, but now I’m not so sure. They don’t seem to even like each other. But when she was in college, she had a thing for this guy named Aaron.”

“So why are you still with her if she cheated on you?”

He didn’t answer for a long moment, his eyes unfocused. “There are two reasons actually. One, I don’t really have any proof. And two,” he paused, “I love her.” Jenny’s hand brushed his arm lightly. He looked deep into her eyes. “I shouldn’t be here.”

She gave him a small smile. “You’re right.”

He leaned closer, laid his head on her shoulder. “How did everything get so out of control?”

Jenny looked at him. And like flipping a light switch, she realized something. She had something Sadie Montgomery didn’t; she just couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was.

hold her like he used to

Ryan was in a band called Mile 258. More of a waste of time hobby, Sadie thought, but that didn’t matter. He was always with his band mates, Corey and Trevor. And besides that, he worked forty hours a week at the fitness center and took four classes at Joliet Junior College. Sadie never saw him, and when she did, he was too tired to talk, or do anything for that matter.

And he wondered why she drank.

But now they actually were going to perform live, and as his girlfriend she needed to be supportive. She would have preferred to stay home alone and drink herself into oblivion, but tonight, there was a reason worth leaving the house. And it had nothing to do with Ryan or his stupid band.

She applied the finishing touches to her makeup and surveyed her reflection in the mirror. Good enough, she decided. Aaron was there, in the living room actually, and she wanted to look better than good enough, but didn’t want Ryan to be suspicious. Besides, she didn’t plan to actually talk to Aaron. Time had come to let go of her feelings for him and devote herself to loving Ryan with all her heart.

“Finally,” Ryan said when she walked into the living room. He took in the sight of her. She wore a denim skirt that nearly showed her butt cheeks, a black halter top held up easily by her fake breasts, and knee-high suede boots. Her blonde curls fell perfectly around her face, framing proof that beauty was only skin deep.

Ryan never said much about what she wore. He went to Sadie’s side, placing his arm firmly around her tiny waist. She could feel Aaron’s eyes on them, causing an ache in her heart.

The Beach House was packed when they arrived. The bar was a dive, a far cry from the paradise implied by the name, with concrete floors and wood paneled walls painted black. Neon beer signs served as decoration. Tired looking waitresses circled the room looking like they hadn’t slept in weeks. Cigarette smoke filled the air, making a haze above everyone’s head, and the distinctive scent of marijuana hinted that tobacco wasn’t the only thing being smoked.

Ryan was excited and had personally invited everyone he knew. Sadie was excited, too. Maybe things would be better once he felt he succeeded at something.

Shawna, Sadie’s college roommate, sat next to Sadie as the band began to set up. Jenny arrived and sat on Sadie’s other side. “Jenny, you remember Shawna, my college roommate?”

“Oh, yeah, hi.” Jenny smiled tentatively.

“Hi.” Shawna smiled back.

Sadie watched Aaron help Ryan with some wires on the stage, admiring the shape of his body, remembering how his arms felt around her. “I’m so excited for them,” she said, trying to divert her attention. “They’ve been waiting for this night.”

“Are you sure that’s why you’re excited?” Shawna asked. “You sure it’s not because Aaron’s here?”

Sadie crinkled her brow. “No, it’s not that. I’m happy for Ryan.”

“What about Aaron? He’s not happy.”

“Shawna, stop. I made my choice.”

“Yeah, the wrong one. Is he still beating on you?”

Sadie glanced at Jenny, hoping she wouldn’t say anything. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, that’s pretty much a yes.” Shawna looked at Jenny, her gray eyes narrowed. “You know he beats her all the time? I’ve seen him on top of her pounding away like he was in a wrestling ring. And she’s still with him when she could have Aaron, who really is a good guy.”

Sadie stared into her mixed drink. It was her second one since arriving forty minutes ago. “Can we not talk about this? I just want to have a good night.”

“But look at Aaron, Sadie. He’s much better looking, and he would take care of you so much better than Ryan ever could. You should see the house he bought.”

“I have a house, Shawna. And drop it.” She glanced at Jenny, praying she wouldn’t tell Shawna all the stuff they talked about at lunch the other day. Their eyes met, but Sadie looked away. “I will always love Aaron, but I made the choice to be with Ryan and that’s all there is to it.”

Shawna exhaled loudly. Jenny gave Sadie a small smile, and then shifted her eyes to the stage where the band set up.

After Sadie downed another four drinks, the band finally started to play. She watched Ryan play his guitar, feeling her heart swell with love. She really was proud of him.

Aaron sat at the table next to her with his best friend Brent and a few other guys. Every time she dared a glance in his direction, he was looking at her, so she stopped looking at him altogether. He was so beautiful with his dark eyes. When she looked at him, his eyes told the stories of their past, the secret past Ryan didn’t really know.

It had been just over a year and a half since that evening in the park when Aaron proposed, but the memory was fresh and vivid, every emotion playing in Sadie’s heart. There’d been plenty of times since moving home with Ryan she’d considered leaving him, driving to Missouri to be with Aaron. But she and Ryan had known each other all their lives; she owed it to Ryan to give their relationship her all.

After all, it was her fault he was discharged from the Marines. He was carrying her cocaine, and he never would have hit her if she hadn’t been cheating on him with Aaron in the first place. She had to tell herself this every day to justify why she was so miserable.

The band took a break. Ryan sidled up to Sadie. “How are we doing?” he asked, kissing her cheek.

“You guys are great!” Sadie smiled at him.

He afforded an insincere smile at Jenny and Shawna and moved to the table where the guys sat. Sadie watched him and Aaron talk like old friends. Sure, they were friends on the surface, but they really despised each other for obvious reasons. Aaron smiled her smile and for the first time all night she wondered if it was possible to sneak away with him when Ryan went back on stage.

She closed her eyes and let the fantasy take hold. They could go outside and find a dark, quiet place, and he could hold her like he used to and tell her how he loves her. She could melt into him and forget about Ryan and his meanness and hard fists. She could almost feel Aaron’s skin next to hers, smell his sweet scent, and taste his kisses.

She opened her eyes as Ryan walked back toward the stage. Aaron looked at her, his hands laced behind his head, the arm of his t-shirt exposing his tattoo.

The tattoo of her name.

“Aaron,” Shawna hissed. “Your tattoo.”

He put his arms down and winked at Sadie. She smiled and looked down, feeling her cheeks grow hot, wondering how he could love her so much he put her name permanently on his arm? Especially after how much she’d hurt him. It was unfathomable.

***

Jenny wasn’t entirely sure what to make of everything she witnessed tonight. There was no doubt Sadie had cheated on Ryan with Aaron, she’d pretty much admitted it, plus she couldn’t keep her eyes off the guy. And now, after hearing the conversation between Sadie and Shawna, Jenny wondered about her stories of Ryan beating her.

The band finished playing, but no one was in a hurry to leave. The group pulled a few of the wobbly black wooden tables together and everyone was having a good time. People approached Ryan and his friends to compliment them on the show. Ryan beamed. It was nice to see him smile.

Corey sat beside Jenny when Sadie went to the bathroom. “Hey, Jenny. How are you?”

She smiled hesitantly, her stomach tightening. “Good, you?”

“Did you enjoy the show?”

“Yeah, you guys were great.” She faced him, something she’d been avoiding all night, taking in the sight of him. His eyes were a beautiful spectacle, such pale blue they almost seemed translucent. His hair contradicted his eyes entirely, dark brown and wavy. He was, in Jenny’s opinion, by far, the best-looking guy here.

And the way she felt when he was around scared the crap out of her.

Ryan warned her Corey was the type of guy who just uses girls. Besides, Jenny had a boyfriend and tried her hardest to be faithful to him, not that it worked out too well the other night when Ryan was over.

“Can I get you another drink?” Corey asked.

Jenny rolled her eyes, refusing to give him an inkling of how she felt drawn to him. “Not if you think I’m gonna go home with you.”

His eyes went wide. “It’s a drink, not a proposal. Besides, I know you have a boyfriend.” He looked at the promise ring on her left hand.

“Fine, you can get me a drink.” Ryan caught her eye, smirking as he shook his head at her. Sadie was on his lap now, her chin resting on her hand as she watched Aaron talk to someone else. If Ryan did hit her, it was no wonder, with how obvious she was with her affection for another guy.

Corey returned and set the drink in front of her. “Where do you work?”

“Um, Tresses. It’s a hair studio by the mall.”

“Oh, yeah. I know where it’s at.”

“How ‘bout you? Where do you work?”

“Midwest Financial.”

“I’ve seen that building. What is it?”

“It’s an insurance company, but I’m a computer tech.”

A small group of girls came to the table and praised the guys on their performance. Ryan’s eyes lit up at the attention the girls paid him. He was the lead singer, but his friend Trevor sang a little too. Sadie didn’t even seem to notice the commotion the girls caused, and neither did Aaron. The distraction gave them the opportunity to stare at each other, their lips slightly upturned. It seemed like a private moment for them, but Jenny couldn’t look away.

“How do you know Ryan and Sadie?” Jenny asked Corey when the admirers left.

“He and Trevor work together. And they used to live in the same building as us.”

Jenny nodded, her brown hair shifting on her shoulders. “You hang out with them a lot?”

“I guess.” He watched her, even though her eyes were on the others at the table. “Tell me about your boyfriend.”

Jenny faced him. “His name is Alex.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s in a country called Tajikistan. He’s a missionary.”

“Really? And you’re at a bar getting drunk with us?” He laughed.

“I’m not getting drunk.”

He laughed again. “So, are you some holy roller bible thumper?”

“I go to church sometimes.”

He looked at her skeptically. “Who knew church girls could be so hot?”

Jenny laughed. “Thanks. And I don’t know what the big deal is. Ryan goes to church, too.”

He smiled and shook his head. “Yeah, but I know all about Ryan and Sadie, and it’s all for show. Their parents want them there.”

“No, I think Sadie wants to be there.”

He met her eyes. “I don’t think it matters what Sadie wants.” He said it with sympathy, giving Jenny the impression she told him about Ryan beating her, too.

“Why do you say that?”

He sat up suddenly and scanned the group. “Hey, Trev,” he called out. “What are you doing over there?”

Jenny followed his gaze to Trevor Dixon, who was talking intensely with two girls. Trevor smiled at him, turned back to his conversation.

Corey stood and smiled mischievously. “Come dance with me, Jenny.”

Jenny hesitated, and then stood. It was a dance, what could it hurt? He took her hand, sending shivers of electricity up her arm.

As they made their way across the bar, the song changed to a ballad, something from the late eighties Jenny was unfamiliar with. “You’ll still dance with me, right?” he asked, but didn’t give her a chance to answer.

Corey wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She reluctantly put her hands on his shoulders and tried not to look at him. They swayed to the music for a song that seemed to go on and on. Jenny was overcome by a desire to cling to him; he was so intensely good-looking that all she could feel was an ache in the pit of her stomach telling her to relax.

Towards the end of the song, he cocked his head in a way that caught her attention. She looked up into those eyes. They were smiling down at her with softness and affection.

He moved in slowly towards her mouth. She pulled away from him, took a step backwards.

“Seriously? It’s just a kiss,” he said, incredulous.

“I have a boyfriend. You know that.”

“Yeah, on the other side of the world.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not like Sadie.” As soon as she said it, she knew she shouldn’t have.

Corey narrowed his eyes defensively. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jenny’s mind reeled with the suspicions Ryan had shared regarding Sadie and Corey, but she didn’t want to say anything about that. Her mind worked quickly for an answer. “How she’s sitting there staring at Aaron right in front of Ryan.”

“Oh, yeah.” He chuckled. “It is kinda obvious.”

Jenny made her way back to the table, wrapping her mind around the revelation she’d just had. Her heart went out to Ryan, even as Sadie wrapped her arms around his neck right there in front of Aaron and Corey, and whoever else at these tables she was sleeping with behind his back.

“I love you, baby,” Jenny heard Sadie tell him. “You guys were really great.”

He smiled at her, love penetrating from his eyes, and whispered a reply. Then he kissed her forehead.

Ryan looked at Jenny, seeing her within earshot, but spoke to Sadie. “I don’t know. Sometimes things aren’t good, you know. And I worry. And wonder.”

“Well, don’t,” she said. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours.”

He leaned down and kissed her, slowly and sensually, much like he kissed Jenny the other night. As he pulled away from her, Jenny looked at Aaron. The pain on his face was unmistakable.

Jenny wondered what she had gotten herself into.

She moved in on Ryan and Sadie. Her fingers brushed Ryan’s forearm lightly. “The show was great. But I’m gonna go, ok?”

“Not with Corey, I hope.” Trepidation played in his eyes.

Sadie turned around “You’re leaving, Jen?”

Ryan looked at Sadie’s face inches from his, and Jenny saw something flicker in his eyes, contempt maybe. She looked to Sadie; her eyes narrowed from too many drinks.

“Yeah, I’m gonna go. I gotta work tomorrow.” It was a lie, but she needed an excuse.

Sadie jumped off Ryan’s lap, putting her twig-like arms around Jenny. “Thank you for not telling Shawna what I told you.” She pulled away and flashed her perfect smile.

Ryan fastened his arm around Sadie’s leg, pulling her back to his lap.

Corey appeared behind Jenny, his arms coming around her midsection. She jumped, pushed him away. “Hey!” he protested.

“I’m leaving,” she said flatly.

“Can I come with you? Take you for something to eat?”

“No. Thanks, though.” She left without looking back.

***

Trevor Dixon was a people watcher. He found their facial expressions, mannerisms, and body language interesting. They told stories words didn’t. Sometimes he wished he weren’t so perceptive. It made him see too deeply into a person, deeper than he was supposed to, deeper than he wanted to. He figured things out he wasn’t supposed to, and this wore on him like a dull knife at times.

Tonight, he watched as his roommate flirted shamelessly with Jenny, who couldn’t have cared less. Her eyes were on Ryan, who was Sadie’s boyfriend. Jenny’s deep, serious eyes revealed her as confused about her relationship with Ryan. Ryan seemed equally confused about their relationship. Trevor watched Ryan’s cheeks flush when Jenny approached him, touching him softly, he watched him stare jealously when Corey danced with her and made her laugh over a drink.

Corey had told Trevor that he thought Jenny was hot, which for Corey to say, meant he really liked her. He wasn’t the type to verbalize any feeling. Just acted on the shallowest level, never feeling anything for the girls he was with. Trevor could see his roommate viewed Jenny as a challenge, one he wouldn’t just give up on.

Though he couldn’t read this through any observation he made, Trevor knew Corey was sleeping with Sadie. Neither one had told him, but he knew. They didn’t look at each other, or seem tense, worried they would be discovered. They had an air of confidence about them that their secret was safe between the two of them.

Ryan and Sadie had been together for a few years, this Trevor knew. On the surface they appeared utterly perfect. But Ryan’s nervousness around Jenny, and Sadie’s smiles at Aaron, told another story. Ryan and Sadie were obsessed with each other, but in an unhealthy way. It was almost like they were determined to make their relationship work for the show of having it. Like they had something to prove to themselves, each other, and maybe other people too.

Sadie’s eyes and body language were focused on Aaron. Aaron was equally, and only, focused on her. Their relationship was the clearest of all the ones he observed all night. They were in love. Not the kind of love that comes and goes. Their love was deep, meaningful, and able to surpass anything. Trevor didn’t doubt that Sadie would leave Ryan for Aaron eventually. They seemed to speak their own secret language with their eyes, a conversation with no words that only they could decipher.

He watched Sadie now as she sat on Ryan’s lap like a puppet, him kissing her exposed, freckled skin, her long hair flowing over her left shoulder. She smiled, but it had nothing to do with Ryan. Her smiles were shared with Aaron, who also paid no attention to Ryan. Ryan’s hand moved easily along Sadie’s inner thigh, but she was oblivious, even as it moved under her skirt.

Trevor didn’t feel left out. He felt lucky. Lucky that he didn’t have to deal with the heartbreak that came with being in love.

almost

Mile 258 started having regular gigs and developed a fan base pretty quick after that first show. They even started playing one or two of their own songs at each show. Sadie would overhear girls talking about the guys and it made her feel great to know she had what they wanted.

She hoped things would change for her and Ryan after that night of his first show, but they didn’t. He continued to be abusive, and she did nothing to stop it. It was just a part of life.

And since she still felt worthless and in need of affection, she began to spend her lunch hours with Corey. Sleeping with him was something she controlled. They’d been meeting like this for the last month or so. Well aware of her physical beauty and the effects it had on the opposite sex, paired with Corey’s obvious appreciation of it, had made it easy for Sadie to call him up and propose this affair.

Corey was good looking, too, so that helped. He had a full head of thick, wavy, dark hair, eyes so pale that, at times, they looked transparent. His build was slender, his smile straight, his skin tan.

But Sadie had seen better, lost better, now being resigned to settling for an affair in the SUV of a womanizer.

Jenny was the only one she trusted with her secrets, but she didn’t quite trust her enough to tell her about Corey. Jenny didn’t understand why Sadie put up with Ryan, no matter how she explained it. Brooke, Ryan’s twin sister, used to be Sadie’s confidant, but when her addictions became such an overwhelming part of her life and things started to fall apart in their relationship, Brooke distanced herself, becoming part of the group of people who advocated for the end of the relationship. Shawna also fell into that group.

Ryan seemed threatened by Sadie’s friendship with Jenny. Like he was afraid she would tell Jenny their secrets. Proof of his jealousy came one night when he came home to find them sitting on the couch having drinks.

“Why are you here?” he snapped at Jenny.

Sadie answered quickly. “We’re just hanging out.”

Jenny stood. “I’m gonna go, Sadie. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Why didn’t you answer your phone?” Ryan asked her, ignoring Jenny.

She tried to stay calm but knew what was coming. “Oh, it’s probably in my purse. I don’t know. You should’ve called the house.”

Ryan stood by the front door; his eyes focused on Sadie. “Excuse me,” Jenny said quietly.

He turned to Jenny; his eyes slightly narrowed. “What were you guys talking about?”

“Nothing.” She shifted her weight uneasily. “Can I just leave, please?”

Ryan moved out of her way, and then turned to Sadie once Jenny was gone. “I don’t want her here when I’m not home.”

“Ok.” She didn’t argue because it was already apparent how the rest of the night was going to go.

“Where’s your purse?”

“In the bedroom, I think.”

Ryan disappeared to the bedroom while Sadie went to the kitchen for a new drink. Was this her fourth drink, or maybe number five? He called for her a moment later, as she expected. She went into the bedroom to see the contents of her purse dumped out on the bed. Ryan held her cell phone in his hand.

“Five missed calls, Sadie. I called you three times. Who do you think the other two calls are from?”

She swallowed, cement filling her throat. “I don’t know.” She really didn’t.

“Let’s just see.” He fiddled with the phone and read off a number she didn’t recognize and told him so. “Well, let’s call it and see who answers.”

A woman answered and told him she must have called the wrong number. Ryan asked why she called twice if it was a wrong number.

Sadie stood in the doorway of the bedroom, waiting. Waiting for the storm to hit.

Ryan got up and went into the bathroom, Sadie moved to the bed, putting her stuff back into her purse.

“I wanted to get some dinner,” he said when he came out of the bathroom.

She glanced at the clock. It was 8:40. “Where do you want to go?”

“Why don’t you ever cook anything?”

She crinkled her nose. “I don’t really know how to cook.”

He scoffed. “You call yourself a woman.”

Sadie didn’t know what to make of that. She had never been the type to cook or do anything domestic for that matter. The comment made her feel small, inadequate in his shadow.

“Where do you want to go?” she asked again, hoping to leave the house. Once they left the privacy of their two-bedroom bungalow on the edge of Willow Grove, it was far less likely he would lose his temper. Not that it had never happened, it just didn’t happen as much.

Ryan took two easy strides out of the bedroom. She heard him say, “C’mon,” impatiently, and she obediently followed him out of the house.

Sitting in the passenger seat of his black Camaro with the tan leather seats, she waited for him to start the engine. She had bought this car for him. After a moment of him not making any move to start the car, she dared to glance at him. He sat with his head down, his eyes closed, keys still in hand. Is he praying? she wondered.

She studied him for a moment, debating whether to bother him. “Ryan?”

He quickly opened his eyes, jerked his head up, and swung his right hand up and backward, hitting her in the face with his hand and keys.

The movement had been so quick, so fluid, that even Ryan seemed to take a split second to comprehend what happened.

Sadie cried out, the pain seething across her face, her mind immediately planning how she would hide whatever injury was left behind as she reached for the door handle. When she set her foot out of the car onto the concrete driveway, Ryan was there. He grabbed her roughly by her cascade of blonde hair, pulling her out of the car and into the house.

Once inside, he let go of her so suddenly that she stumbled to the floor, having relied on him to support her fragile body longer. She took deep breaths, trying to remain calm. Looking up to see Ryan’s expression, wagering if he was done with her, had gotten out his frustrations, she didn’t like what she saw.

His eyes were wild with rage, nothing like the other Ryan, the one she’d grown up with, whose eyes were full of love and faith for a God Sadie no longer believed in.

Ryan knelt in front of her. “Please stop,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.” Her voice was barely audible, and she didn’t even know what she’d done this time. Not answer her cell phone? Had Jenny over? Not cooked a meal?

He didn’t seem to recognize she’d spoken or that she was full of fear and would have done anything in that moment to end his retaliation. He pulled her hair, knocking her backward on the ceramic tile entryway. Using her curls as leverage, he slammed her head with full force on the ground over and over.

He stood again, pulling her from the floor by her limp arms. He stood in front of her yelling, “Look at me, Sadie!”

Sadie’s head was fuzzy, she couldn’t focus, but she had to, or he would get angrier.

“Sadie!” he yelled again, louder, more forceful, his hands digging into her upper arms while he tried to hold her up. She could feel the bruises forming under the tips of his fingers.

She felt lightheaded. “Ryan, stop.”

“What?”

She couldn’t answer. The room around her faded into the background. It took all she had left to look at him, focus on the anger flashing in his dark blue eyes. He let go of her, she started to fall, her head beginning to ache from the back where it had been slammed into the tile, spreading around to the front of her head. She worked to steady herself, to please him, but never had a chance.

He punched her between the eyes, knocking her to the floor.

***

Ryan stared at Sadie’s lifeless body at his feet. He felt nothing. It didn’t bother him to do this anymore. It only bothered him when other people found out, like their parents. The first time he hit her, he regretted it. The second time, he felt justified, but then when he saw her face after getting out of jail, saw her busted lip and black eye, he filled with remorse. But it was how she clung to him like he would provide her next breath, the way she bawled her eyes out when he boarded his plane that day, that was what assured him it was ok to do this to her.

He reached down, felt around her smooth neck for a pulse. It seemed intact, so he lifted her like a rag doll, carried her to the bedroom and dropped her on the bed.

Returning to the living room, he assured nothing had been broken. He didn’t recall hearing the crash of anything, but when he got like that, he became so lost in the moment he never really knew what he was doing. Not until it was over at least, when he saw the look of brokenness in her eyes that once reflected love and adoration.

He wasn’t sure if his fists put that look in her, or her tendency to drink and snort coke. Somewhere along the way, Sadie Montgomery changed. She wasn’t the sweet, innocent girl who spent so many nights in his sister’s room, who he always said he saw as a sister when locker room talk turned to her.

No matter how she had changed, he couldn’t let go. He couldn’t give up on her.

Ryan went outside; shut the passenger door of the Camaro. The crescent moon hung low tonight, and he wondered if the phases of the moon had any bearing on his temper.

He locked the front door of the house and returned to the bedroom to see if she’d awoken. She hadn’t; he checked her pulse again, not that he really thought he’d done anything that would cause her not to have a pulse, but who knows how much she’d drank.

She lay on her side; he gently pushed her to her back so she’d be more comfortable. He pulled off her shoes and pants, then sat on his side of the bed. Picking up the remote control for the TV, he kicked off his own shoes and looked at her shattered face. It had looked worse, that was for sure. He wondered how much sick time she had at work.

He picked up the phone and ordered a pizza, pepperoni, Sadie’s favorite.

He stared at her while he ordered. Even behind the webbed pattern across her face, and the color under her eyes that would turn black for the world to see tomorrow, she was still the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

He leaned toward her when he hung up, laying a gentle kiss on her cheek, taking in the sweet scent of her skin and hair. His hands wandered the length of her legs and he realized he hadn’t made love to her in weeks. In fact, it may have been a month since he’d had sex.

This thought, coupled with the memories of how they couldn’t keep their hands off each other when he came home from the Marines, making love anywhere and everywhere they could, reminded him of his suspicions of her infidelity.

He tugged at her underwear until they came off, pulled her white v-neck top over her head. No awareness of what he did registered on her already traumatized face, not even a flutter of her eyelids.

He laughed to himself, slightly amused at what he was doing, yet slightly mortified. But if he just looked at her as the stupid whore who ruined his life, then he was fine.

It was only when he remembered who she was that almost made him stop.

Almost.

***

“Something’s weird about them,” Jenny told Tyler Blakely over the phone after getting home from Sadie and Ryan’s house.

“How so?”

“I don’t know. I can’t really put my finger on it. One of them is lying to me. I think it’s her.”

“About what?”

“Well, she’s cheating on him. I have that much figured out. But she makes up these stories about him hitting her all the time.”

“Why do you think she’d make that stuff up?”

“I don’t know. And I’m not entirely convinced he’s not. Her friend from college said she saw him hitting her.”

“And didn’t you see it too? That one time a few years ago?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t like he was beating her. He just hit her one time and walked away.”

“Maybe it’s none of your business. I don’t even really understand why you hang out with them. It doesn’t change the past.”

Jenny sighed. Ryan and Tyler had been best friends in high school, until she got pregnant. “I’m not trying to change the past. I’m just having friends.”

“Well, I know your friends. They used to be my friends, remember? And they’re not what you think they are.”

“So, do you think he would really treat her that way, or do you think she’s making it up?”

“She was always pretty dramatic.” He sighed. “Enough about that. I was thinking about talking to Jackie about having Angel come stay up here for a week. We could take turns with her.”

Angel had just turned two. She was Jenny and Tyler’s daughter, but lived with Jenny’s sister Jackie for multiple reasons, all centering around Jenny’s mental health and Tyler’s inability to hold a job. A real job at least. Dealing dime bags from your efficiency apartment didn’t really pay the bills and support a child. But since Angel was taken away from them, they both had gotten jobs and were staying on the right path. Soon Angel would be living here, where she belonged. “That would be great. I could have her while you’re at work and you can keep her during the day.”

“Right. And Kevin and Natalie could help out.” They were his brother and his brother’s girlfriend.

“I think we’ll be able to get her back soon.”

“I hope so. I feel like I don’t even know her.”

Guilt ran through Jenny at the memory of how she’d run away from Tyler when she was pregnant, disallowing him the opportunity to see his daughter enter this world, watch her grow, see her first steps. “She’s growing so fast.”

***

Ryan sat next to Sadie watching TV. She was awake now; he could tell she stared at him. He turned to look at her swelling face.

“Hey, babe,” he said tenderly.

“Hi.”

He studied her eyes for a few seconds, already having time to know what her face looked like. Now he needed to see her eyes, needed to see that longing in them, the one that cried out to him for approval. He turned his attention back to the TV once he was sure it was still there, behind the greenish hue that surrounded her sky-blue irises.

***

When Sadie woke, she lay in bed naked with the navy-blue comforter over her. She wondered why her clothes were off. Maybe Ryan thought she’d be more comfortable, but that didn’t generally seem to be his concern.

Sadie watched him, even after he acknowledged her and took in the sight of her, wondering why she was still there. Why didn’t he just kill her already?

She got out of bed, moved into the bathroom. The reflection in the mirror frightened her. Both of her eyes were swollen almost to the point of being shut, and there were red marks across the right side of her face. She resembled a monster from a childhood nightmare.

“I didn’t mean that. The face, you know,” Ryan said from the bedroom. “I ordered a pizza. Pepperoni. It’s in the kitchen.” He didn’t say sorry. He just didn’t mean to hit her in the face. He never apologized for anything.

He just didn’t mean to hit her in the face because now anyone who saw her would know what he did. Their business was going to become everyone’s business, something he did not want to happen.