Six months ago

Mike

Melissa looks at me from the other side of the bar while I mix her drink. She’s been in here every night I’ve worked for the past two weeks. “You here by yourself again?” I ask.

She nods. “No one ever wants to go out on a weeknight.”

“That’s no fun,” I say as I set the drink in front of her on a coaster.

The first time I saw Melissa in here, she was celebrating her thirtieth birthday with friends. Intoxicated and flirty, I didn’t think anything of it. Until she started coming back in every time I worked, sitting at the bar quietly.

“You don’t have a boyfriend or anything?” I ask.

She sighs. “No, it’s just me and my cat.”

I chuckle and wipe the bar near her where no one had sat all night, trying to look busy. “What’s your cats name?”

“Pluto.”

“That’s unique.”

She smiles. “What about you? You have a girlfriend or a cat or anything?”

Her casual way of asking if I have a girlfriend is cute. She’s cute. “No cat. No girlfriend. Just kids.”

“Kids plural?”

I nod. “Four.”

Her eyes go wide. “Four? You’re not old enough to have four kids?”

I’ve heard this before. “Probably not, but I do.”

“How old are they?”

“My girls are fourteen, fifteen, and seventeen. My son is sixteen.”

Her jaw drops. “You have four teenagers?”

“Yep.”

“How old are you?”

“How old do you think I am?”

“Well, I thought you were, like, twenty-eight or so, but now I’m not so sure. Definitely didn’t think you were older than me.”

Her compliment makes me feel good. “Thirty-five.”

“No way.”

I nod and step away to grab a beer for another customer. Then I busy myself with restocking the napkins, figuring that Melissa’s interest in me is done. Usually when a woman finds out I have four kids that’s basically the end of the conversation. I used to try to hide it, but then I’d end up hopeful for more and decide to drop the bomb, so to speak, just to be told over and over they weren’t interested anymore. So now I lead with it. No point in getting my hopes up anymore. Maybe when I’m down to one or two kids at home I can find a divorced woman with her own kids or something.

“Hey, Mike,” Melissa calls out. “Do you get to see your kids often?”

I shake my head. She’s hoping I don’t. But the truth is: “They live with me. Their mom has been gone for years.”

“Oh,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry.”

I walk over to her. “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault she went to prison and never contacted us when she got out.”

She studies my face, curious. “Tell me about your kids.”

No one has wanted to know about my kids, other than their names maybe. Which is a story in itself. But that’s not the story she wants. She doesn’t want to know that Amy Jo and I named our children for all things above because the first night we met we laid under the night sky so she could name constellations for me.

“Skylar is the oldest. Goes by Sky. She’s an old soul, always looking out for me and her siblings. In school she’s pulls decent grades. Stays out of trouble, keeps the house clean, does laundry, and cooks.” I smile. “Someday she will run her own family seamlessly.”

Melissa rests her chin on her hand, seeming truly interested in what I’m saying.

“Orion is next. He’s a lot like I was at his age. I just hope he can enjoy his teens and twenties more than I was able to.” I give Melissa a small smile, wondering if she’s done the math in her head to figure out how old I was when I started having kids. “He gets in a little trouble here and there, but nothing major. He plays basketball, but he also likes to party and likes girls a little too much. But he’s got common sense. His priorities have shifted some over the summer,” I say with a light laugh.

“Boys can be like that, I guess,” she says. “I have two brothers. They both went though some wild years. Well, I’m not sure my youngest brother is quite out of his yet.”

“Boys will be boys,” I say with a smile, disbelieving she is still listening to me. “Sunny is number three. Sunshine is her real name, but no one calls her that. She’s the one who never disappoints me. She’s always had perfect grades, never even a B, and is her class president. Besides all her brains and drive, she is absolutely gorgeous.” I hold up my hand. “Yeah, I know, I’m partial as her dad and all, but it’s like she got the best parts of me and the best parts of her mom and became something more beautiful than either of us had ever dreamed of creating. She has more focus and motivation at fifteen than I’ve ever had in my entire life.

“She sounds amazing.”

“She really is.” I sigh when I see someone come in the door of the bar but am relieved that they go to the bathroom before sitting down. “Starla is the baby. She just turned fourteen. She’s small for her age. When she was born, she was only four pounds, the others were all at least six pounds. Aside from being small, she’s also really quiet and reserved. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, but she does have a boyfriend that she started dating in sixth grade and they just never broke up. I probably worry about Star the most. It seems like she has things to say but for some reason she doesn’t say them.” I shrug.

“Sounds like you’ve done a good job raising them.”

“I’m doing my best.” I step away to wait on the customer who went in the bathroom. Overall, my kids are pretty amazing, and I think I have a pretty good relationship with each one. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for them.

I glance over my shoulder at Melissa while I grab the whiskey off the shelf. She’s watching me, and I wonder if there’s any future for me and her.

Skylar

Ten minutes is hardly enough time to spend with the one you love, but when you’re in love with someone who shouldn’t even be on your radar and your dad calls, beckoning your cooking and cleaning skills home, you can’t rightly say, “Hey, no, Dad. See, I’m over here and….”

Nope.

I sigh and look at his gorgeous face. “What a spectacular end to the summer.”

“You could come back later.” His smile is gentle, knowing I won’t. Not tonight.

“School in the morning. Gotta start senior year out right,” I say with a teasing smile.

“I’ll see you there.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah. I know.” Another sigh escapes me, one that’s sad and tired. Disappointed. “This sucks. Now we have to go back to the old way.”

“It’ll be over before you know.”

It doesn’t seem that way. Nine months of school, one-hundred-eighty more days of government required education before my ransom will be paid. I’ll be eighteen in five weeks but that doesn’t mean a thing in my situation.

I pull the Ford Taurus I share with my younger brother Orion around the corner and spy two cars in my drive. One is the Sante Fe belonging to Ray, my youngest sister Star’s boyfriend. The other is the rusty old pickup Austin drives- Austin being the biggest pain there has ever been in my ass. In addition to that, he is like my brother’s conjoined twin. When you see one, you see the other. Ugh.

I park on the street, planning to kick out both of those losers per Dad’s very specific orders.

When I walk in, the scene is exactly what I expect: The house is a disaster (it always is), Orion and Austin are stuffing their jaws at the kitchen table, my sister Sunny at the table with them (never eating, especially not in front of Austin), Ray’s younger brothers are on our couch in their swim trunks (likely wet) watching a tired episode of SpongeBob Stupidpants, Ray and Star are incognito. Of course. Likely upstairs doing the deed.

Austin watches me walk into the kitchen, his eyes taking on that familiar I-just-saw-a-ghost look. I point at him and say, “Out.”

He swallows whatever was in his mouth and widens his eyes. Orion, though, he says, “Mind your own, Sky. He didn’t even say anything to you. Besides, who died and made you boss?”

I start emptying the dishwasher. “Dad. And while he may not be dead, he did call to say Melissa is coming over for dinner.”

Orion and Sunny trade looks. “Seriously?” says Orion.

Our dad hasn’t dated anyone seriously enough to bring home since I was in third grade, but he and Melissa have been dating for about six months. So this was kinda big. A change from whatever he usually does on the weekends when he doesn’t come home after working a shift at the bar.

“Seriously.” I start to rinse the dishes in the sink and load them into the dishwasher. “And he said no one here except us.” I look at Sunny. “So go find Ray and tell him to get gone, too.” I switch my eyes to Austin, who I’m sure has been staring at me the whole time. “Goodbye, freak.”

Orion

Don’t ask me. I don’t know a thing.

Except this: Austin keeps Sky on a pedestal in the sky.

Sunny would give her right eye to have Austin look at her like she was the sun in his life.

Sky is over the moon in love, and not with Austin.

Sunny doesn’t shine as bright as she once did.

I wish I had three brothers and not three sisters.

My mother was never a mother, just a baby popper outer.

My dad needs a good woman.

That is all.

Starla

Have you ever gotten stuck in mud? Like, when you’re walking? Mud so thick your shoes come off and you’re left in your socks? What do you do? Count your losses, move on? Or do you pry those shoes from the mud and try to salvage what there once was?

That’s how I feel. Stuck.

I can’t go forward, not like this at least. And, oh, what I would give to go back.

My shoulders are red from a day at the community pool with Ray and his little brothers. Sunburn, like shoes stuck in the mud, like a life stuck in neutral in a dead-end town, like a relationship that’s suffocating you, are all things I cannot control.

Ray sits on the edge of my bed watching me stare at my reflection. God, what does he see when he looks at me that makes him so consumed by me? “Come here,” he says quietly.

I face him, our eyes meet. I am in love with him. That mythical kind of love that other girls my age only dream about. Our whole life is planned out, from now until eternity, every step will be in accompaniment with Ray Douglas. Part of me is wild about the idea, part of me is scared to death.

I take a few steps toward him, and his hands come around my waist. He pulls me onto his lap, my legs straddling his, our faces close. His kiss is like a drug I cannot get enough of, his touch the balm to cure any hurt.

My swimsuit top comes off, finds its way to the floor, his mouth replaces where it had been. Soft hands are what he has, not being the type for work that causes calluses. Give my Ray the controller for a video game and he’ll be happy as a lark, though I must say, he prefers our present activity to those found on a television screen.

Who wouldn’t?

Me. That’s who.

He knows we don’t have much time. Sunny was home when we got here, and Orion and Austin came in right after us. Dad will be home in about thirty and I’ll need to shower so he doesn’t catch a whiff. Besides, we left Dylan and Lucas downstairs with a yellow sponge babysitter.

One thing, though, I will say, is when Ray is loving me in the way only he ever has, I don’t feel suffocated or stuck. I feel powerful, controlling him, controlling what he so desperately wants.

Another thing I will say is that love, this type of love, can lead to unwanted things if you get what I mean.

And tomorrow I start high school.

Ray

Star shines in my life as bright as the brightest star. There is nothing and no one who can capture my eye like her. That first day I saw her, when I was just a seventh-grade newbie in this Podunk town, I smiled without meaning to.

Good thing she smiled back.

Sunshine

I creep quietly up the stairs and stop when I get to the top.

Listening.

No, not to my sister and her obsessive boyfriend in the bedroom we share. I listen for Austin’s departure, hanging on to a thread of hopelessness that my name might grace his lips on his way out the door. Even if it’s just goodbye, at least I’ll know he acknowledges my existence.

“Count on a text later,” says Orion. “I’m sure this chick will be bogus. She’ll take a look at us and be, like, ‘See ya’ to my dad. I’ll be looking for alternate activities, ya know?”

Austin chuckles. “Alright, man. Hit me up.”

The door shut without him remembering to say goodbye. I bite my cheek, gnashing my teeth into the already rough skin, tasting the salty warmth of my blood.

There. That’s better.

I rap quietly on my bedroom door. “Star?” I wait a moment for an answer. No way will I walk in. Did that once. Learned two things that day: 1) People look awkward when they’re doing that; and 2) My younger sister lost her virginity before me.

According to my calculations, I’m the only virgin living under this roof.

“What?” Star snaps behind the closed door.

“Um, Sky’s home and says Dad’s bringing Melissa over for dinner.” I pause for her reaction. “She says Ray and them boys gotta go and we need to get this house cleaned up.” I pause again. “Star?”

“Okay!” she yells. “Give us a minute!”

OMG. Are they doing it right now? Like, while she was talking to me? Gross. Creepy. Gross. Ew. I’m gonna be sick.

Seriously. It seems like the thing to do.

I’m in the bathroom before the thought fully processes, kneeled before the porcelain throne, my fingers assuming their usual position in my throat. The watermelon I ate at 12:43 p.m. today tinges my view pink. I gag and gag, feeling myself empty of everything inside; heart, soul, and being, feeling and emotion, anything that might get caught up in a spider web. When the purge is nothing but transparent saliva, I lean back against the bathtub.

God, I feel better. Lighter. More alive.

The door opens suddenly startling me back into reality (Reality: I’m fat and half dead). Star stares down at me, her shiny blue eyes laying judgment on me like a steel cloak. Thankfully she took the time to half-dress in underwear and a t-shirt. Her eyes shift to the toilet. “Is that blood?”

“Watermelon.” I stand and grab my toothbrush as I flush the toilet. Star pulls back the shower curtain and turns on the water while I scrub the disgustingness from my mouth.

“Dad’s really bringing her here?” she asks as she strips. She’s sunburned.

“I guess.” I watch my naturally skinny, perfect-bodied sister as she tests the water temperature.

She scoffs. “Should be interesting.” Getting in, she disappears from my envious view.

I want to be mean and tell her to make sure she washes away the stink Ray leaves on her body, but she could likely retort with a million things about me.

Things like how kids are starving in Haiti and would love to have the food I waste on a daily basis.

Austin

Orion and I go way back. All the way back to when girls had cooties. And the worst cooties came from his sisters.

Cooties are infectious. They get in your brain and make it think weird things. Then they manipulate your heart and make it beat funny when a girl comes into the room. The most obvious symptoms of cooties are the complete lack of comprehensible speech when a girl is around, and the horrible side effects of obsessing over something unreachable.

Yeah. I got cooties. I got them from Sky.

Skylar

I’m proud of the fact that I taught myself to cook. Thanks to Pinterest, I can feed my dad and siblings all kinds of meals we never knew existed outside of restaurants we can’t afford. For sixteen years we lived off frozen chicken nuggets and corndogs ala carte. Tonight, in celebration of the hope that dad has found The One, we are having chicken enchiladas. It was a stroke of luck when the food pantry had canned chicken yesterday. I felt bad taking two cans, but I have a big family.

Hope this Melissa chick likes Mexican.

Actually, I don’t care if she does.

I made them for him, and he loved them. And he is the reason I learned to cook. A good woman cooks for her man. It’s never too soon to practice being a good wife, but in my case, my hope is we’ll be saying our vows in less than a year.

Dad thinks I’ve just taken a fancy to cooking, and that’s fine. No reason to alarm him or the officials before it’s necessary.

Sunny is setting the table when the doorbell rings. It’s like a fire alarm in that we all follow dad to the door anxious to see the mystery woman worthy of meeting us. Before he opens it, he looks back at us, lined up like dominos behind him. His face clearly tells us not to ruin this for him. For us. We could all use a female role model in our life. Star needs guidance (and probably birth control), Sunny needs to feel love (and not from a worthless POS like Austin), and Orion needs to know there are good women in the world (that they’re not all trash like Mom). Me, I’m knocking on the door to womanhood, soon to leave the nest. I don’t need anything or anyone but him.

But my siblings? Yes, they need a mommy.

The potential mommy at the door is pretty, petite, and blonde. I expected someone who looked rough, like she’d seen her better days. No, not Melissa. She’s well-dressed in a sundress that meets her knees, strappy sandals that I would wear. Her hair is shoulder length, and you could tell time had been taken to make it look just so. She looks like someone’s mom. Someone whose mom cares about them.

I sigh. Dad’ll be lucky if she sticks around until dinner has been digested. A woman like this doesn’t date a single dad with four ornery teenagers, living in government subsidized housing, who works two jobs, one of which pays cash so we can keep our Section 8 and food stamps.

Introductions are made and she doesn’t seem overwhelmed. She smiles easily, comfortably. We gather around the table to break bread and enchiladas.

“So,” Star says. “Tell us about you, Melissa.”

She smiles while she finishes the food in her mouth. “I want to hear about you kids.”

Okay. They might be kids, but I so am not. Strike one, Melissa.

Orion snorts next to me. “No, you really don’t.”

She laughs. “Teenagers don’t scare me.”

Now Dad says, “Not yet anyways.”

Melissa divulges. She works for the state office that oversees professional licenses, like for nurses and doctors (state jobs pay well in theory). She lives in the next town over, the town she grew up in, owns her home (Orion asked), it has three bedrooms (Orion asked that too), she has a cat (Pluto), she’s thirty and met Dad on her birthday while she was out with her friends at the bar that pays Dad cash to dole out drinks to drunks.

She’s thirty. My dad is thirty-five. And his eyes are lit up like candles during a power outage as he watches Melissa fill our ears. For his sake, I hope we (they) don’t screw this up for him.

“Oh,” she adds as a P.S., “and I have two brothers. My older brother Ben is a truck driver. He lives in Missouri. My younger brother, you probably know him.” She nods and looks at each of us. “He teaches at the high school here. Algebra.”

My stomach does a cartwheel.

“Jake Morris?” She says the name as an inquiry into our knowledge of her brother.

Before I can process that, Orion laughs so loudly I’m sure the neighbors heard him. Under the table, his leg hits mine with so much force I’m jarred slightly.

“Mr. Morris is your brother?” Orion hoots.

Melissa nods unassumingly. “I take it you know him?”

My leg whacks into his now. So his answer is appropriate. “I play basketball and he’s the assistant coach. Oh, and I’ll have him this year for algebra.” He looks at me. “Sky had him last year. Really liked him.”

It’s okay, Orion, I’ll kill you later.

Melissa looks at me. “He’s a good teacher?”

I nod. “Yeah. Sure.” What else could I say?

Orion is laughing again. I’m seriously gonna kill him. Everyone’s gonna start wondering what’s so damn funny.

Oh, wait. Too late.

“Orion,” Dad says, a smile entertaining his lips, “what is so funny?”

He doesn’t stop laughing when he says, looking at me, “So, like, if you guys get married, that will make Jake, like, our uncle?”

Melissa and Dad give each other a look. A look that says it all. It says it doesn’t matter how ornery or bad or misguided we are. They are in love with each other and when they get married Jake will be our uncle. “Yes,” they say regardless of the unspoken communication.

Later, in the solace of my room, after Melissa had gone, and Dad drilled us for our thoughts on her, I called him.

When he answered, this is what I said: “So my dad’s new flame. Her name is Melissa. She claims you’re her little brother.”

Jake

Yes, this may pose a dilemma.

Sky is where I have hung my heart. I don’t care that she’s seventeen or a student where I teach numbers. She doesn’t care that I’m twenty-three and fell in love with her from in front of a classroom.

The dilemma lies in that Melissa loves this man who happens to be Sky’s dad. Why didn’t I make the connection before?

Melissa hopes for a ring, much as Sky does.

But can I marry my niece?

Starla

Today a new chapter of my life starts. High school. Freshman year. Oh, yippee.

Some people get nervous, but no, not me. I have three older sibs that have paved the way for me, plus Ray who won’t lose me in the sea of hormones.

I roll over in bed. Sunny’s already up, so I’m alone in the room. I lay flat on my back and pull my blanket to my chin. Lifting my shirt, I run my hands along my flat stomach. I note that my shoulders are still sore from sunburn. Sitting up, I suck in a deep breath and feel nausea consume me.

I’m gonna puke. Like, seriously.

I jump up, cover my mouth with my hand and fly to the bathroom, whip open the door. What I see doesn’t surprise me. Sunny is huddled around the toilet upchucking exactly nothing. How do I know? Because she ate a total of four bites of enchiladas last night and threw them up promptly afterward.

It doesn’t matter. I don’t have time to wait for her. I gag into the sink, wrenching my guts until nothing except yellowy-greenish bile makes its appearance.

“Nice,” Sky says behind me. “You’re doing that shit now, too, Star?”

I don’t look at her because my stomach is sending another round of bile to the sink.

“Hurry your pathetic selves up,” she demands. “I need to get in the shower.”

Yes, you know, because God forbid the Queen go without a shower for a day.

I hear her now across the hall. “Go check out the bulimia twins,” she says to Orion.

He laughs. “Star might disappear if she pukes too many times.”

I open my eyes and turn on the faucet to wash away the evidence. Sunny is looking at me with her angry eyes.

“What. Are. You. Doing?” she asks with clenched teeth.

I narrow my eyes. “It’s not me you’re competing with, so don’t worry about it.”

Sunny makes me so mad. She makes all of us mad, really. She’s not fat, not at all. She’s as tall as Sky, about five-foot-eight, while I’m a measly five-foot. None of us are overweight, or even what you would call stocky. I get teased about being underweight and get compared to ten-year-olds regularly. Sky and Sunny, well, they weigh about the same. Sunny’s argument is that she has to purge to keep looking that way. As if one extra calorie might send her over a cliff into the sea of obesity.

It’s whatever. I have my own problems. Like why the hell did I just puke first thing in the morn, and why does a candy cane sound so good in August, and why haven’t I had a period since May?

Orion

The sun shines today. Of course it does. It’s the last Friday in August, the first day of school.

And like the sun:

Sunny comes out of her cave and smiles like she is without the burden of bulimia.

Star twinkles bright, downright shimmers when Ray is around.

Sky is on top of the world knowing she will get to see Jake every day again.

Me, it’s just another day in the shadows of them. Much like my name, people forget I’m there, don’t often look for me. But everyone sees the sky, the sun, and the stars.

Sunshine

I get out of the backseat of the nasty old Taurus and survey the parking lot. I spot Austin’s truck. It kinda sticks out, being more rust colored than black and all. I straighten my posture and pull my cami down to cover my gut. I fall into step with Orion despite the look he shoots me. Sky is on his other side, her phone in hand as she texts. Star rides to school with Ray. He’s a sophomore like me, but rumor is that he was held back in elementary school, so he turned sixteen in May. The first one in our class to get a license.

I stick close to Orion, knowing he’ll lead me to Austin. As we walk, I exchange hello-how-are-yous with friends I pass. As sophomore class president, it’s important that I keep up the image I’ve manufactured.

Friendly and sincere. Outgoing and capable.

When in fact I’m: Desperate and lonely. Jealous and pitiful. Insane and neurotic. Bulimic and suicidal.

Haley Johnston slithers up to us, her snake eyes on Orion. Haley and I were best friends before high school. Until she became a vamp, obsessed with boys. Obsessed with showing her boobs to them, and whatever else they want to peek at.

“Hi, Orion,” she says in her sly, cunning little skankspeak.

He barely smiles at her. “Hi.”

She looked at me. “Sunny, wow. You look great. Have you lost weight?”

I look down at my disgusting body. Why did I wear these shorts? You can see every fat dimple on my thighs. God, and this cami isn’t covering anything. “Um, I don’t think so,” I say.

“Maybe it’s your hair,” Haley says. “Either way, you look hot.”

“Thanks,” I mutter, feeling my cheeks flush. Then Austin comes up behind Orion, lays a heavy hand on my brother’s shoulder. My heart flutters in my chest and the blood that flushed my face twenty seconds earlier is quickly draining into my butt, making it look huge, I’m sure.

“What’s up?” Austin says to no one in particular. His eyes travel over Haley, then shift to Sky. He nods at her.

Sky rolls her eyes and scoffs before walking away. He watches her go.

“Hi, Austin,” Haley says.

“Hey,” he says with an easy smile. He glances at Orion. “So you have algebra with Morris first hour?”

“Oh, yeah,” Orion says. “I gotta tell you about this chick my dad brought home.” They start to walk away. I so desperately want to follow, but I don’t dare.

Morning moves through like a fog, waiting until lunch when I can see Austin (not that he sees me). While I stand over the salad bar, debating over iceberg and romaine, Haley finds me.

“So how was your summer?” she asks.

“Fine. How was yours?” I choose iceberg. Iceberg equals water. Water equals zero caloric intake.

“Good. We went to Wisconsin Dells for a week. It was amazing!” She squeals a little. “I met this gorgeous guy there. He’s from Michigan. He was so hot!”

“That’s cool. What’s his name?”

She crinkles her brow. “Logan. No, wait. Landon?” She giggles. “Oh, well. It was only a week, and I haven’t talked to him since.” She waves her hand in the air as we sit at a table with the group of sophomores we’d been a part of forever. “Summer love, you know?”

As if I have a clue.

“What’s your schedule look like?”

I hand it to her and proceed to cut my lettuce into tiny pieces. She’s rattling off my classes, citing what we have together. I finish cutting and put one leaf, half-inch in diameter, in my mouth and note the time. 11:22 a.m. I face Haley. She’s stopped talking.

“What?” I ask.

“Sunny, I miss you.” She gives a vulnerable smile. “I want things to be how they used to be with us. What do you think?”

I shrug and snatch my schedule from her skankhands. “Sure.”

She smiles and I feel mighty and powerful. Even if it’s just Haley, someone wants me.

Not that that changes who I am or anything else. After three more pieces of lettuce, I excuse myself to the little girl’s room (not that I am little by any means) and allow the lettuce to escape the confines of my beached whale body.

Austin

Her brush-offs have zero effect on my self-esteem. I swear.

I’m not saying Sky loves me or even wants anything to do with me. What I’m saying is that once upon a time, not all that long ago, she did want something to do with me. Sure she might say it was all in fun, a time to learn and a time to grow, but I see it differently.

Why else would she give me the priceless gift that she did?

One thing’s for sure: No matter where the road takes her, she’ll never forget her first time. My first time. Our first time. Together.

Skylar

I watch Sunny whiz past me on her way out of the cafeteria like she didn’t even see me. From the head of the lunchroom, I see the crowds gathered around the tables, wondering where I really fit in. At the one long table in front of the window sits all the popular kids no matter the grade. I can see Sunny’s backpack on an empty chair next to Haley Johnston. Was she really sitting there? Haley is a straight-up skank. The things I’ve heard about her, and not just from Orion, but I know he wouldn’t lie, so I believe the rest of the stories too.

Orion is sitting off to the side near the salad bar with the rougher looking kids. Sometime last year, he and Austin transitioned from hanging with the jock-asses to hanging with the crew who liked to hit bongs instead of balls.

Star sits with Ray at one end of a table. No one else sits with them. Actually, I’m not even sure she has friends besides Ray.

My siblings aren’t my concern. Jake Morris is who I want to sit with, but he was nowhere to be seen. Guess I should have asked him where he goes during lunch. Maybe it’s somewhere I can go too. Hopefully somewhere we could be alone and not get caught.

Resigned to being just a student, I sit with my friends at the far end of the table nowhere near the window. I half-listen and half-participate in the juvenile conversations around me about who had hooked up with who, who was wearing what, and so-and-so who had gotten a new car.

Kylee was going on about Maci Pendleton and the rumors that she had an STD when I saw Sunny come back into the cafeteria. Her face is slightly flushed, which actually gave her the color she usually lacked. I follow her with my eyes as she snakes through the cafeteria, purposely passing the table where Orion and Austin sit. Her eyes are locked on Austin, but he never even glances up. Orion does, though. After Sunny passes, he glances at Austin, then his eyes find mine.

Wordlessly we say: What does she see in him?

Well, that’s what I said. Orion was probably saying something like: Why is she such a stalker?

I don’t care anymore because Jake just walked into the cafeteria. He’s scanning the room and I wonder if he’s looking for me. I so badly want to stand up and shout, “Hey! Babe! I’m right here. C’mon, I saved you a seat.”

But that would likely result in the loss of his job, and possibly a jail term.

So instead I stay seated, watching, waiting for him to find what he’s looking for.

It’s me. Our eyes lock and I say (wordlessly, of course): I love you. And he says (again, wordlessly): I love you, too, Skylar Hollis. I love you more than anything.

I am sure that’s exactly what he’s saying.

He leaves then, giving me notice that the only reason he appeared was to see me. And that is more than enough to make my day.

Jake

Looking for her in the halls, spying near her locker, walking past her classroom during my planning period, scanning the cafeteria for her, it all became a part of a normal day for me last school year. And now it resumes, my love stronger now that we had a summer to let our relationship grow.

Yes, I know it’s wrong, but let me tell you why it’s so right.

Exactly five years and forty-three days passed on the calendar between my birth and hers. I’m not that much older than her. In the arsenal that we have prepared for defense there are the following facts:

1. My dad is eight years older than my mom, having married when my mom was twenty.
2. My brother’s wife was eighteen when they got married. He was twenty-one.
3. Sky’s mom was seventeen when she was born. Her dad was eighteen.
4. And the latest fact:
5. Sky’s dad is five years and one-hundred-nineteen days older than my sister.

We did the math last night.

In addition, we love each other. Don’t dwell on the wrongness but be happy for our love. It’s not like I became a teacher to find a wife. But I became a teacher and found a wife. Her name just happened to be listed in my grade book.