go fish

Sadie Montgomery rested her head on her boyfriend Ryan’s chest, listening for his heartbeat. Sometimes she wasn’t sure he had a heart, so it was reassuring to hear it. He played absently with her blonde curls. She lived for these moments. When he was silent, his hands soft, love seeming to be an emotion he knew and felt.

She’d forgotten what a normal relationship looked like- not that she ever had one- until her friends Corey and Jenny got serious. He always smiled at Jen, said sweet things, held her hand, offered to do things for her. Sadie wondered why that couldn’t be her. Not that she wanted to be with Corey, she just wanted Ryan to treat her that way.

“Baby, have you talked to your lawyer lately?” Ryan asked.

“Not since Wednesday.” Sadie was suing her old employer for sexual harassment after being fired. She claimed her boss said she could keep her job after failing a drug test in exchange for sex.

“What was the offer again?”

“One-twenty-five. He thinks I should hold out for at least two.”

He sighed. “We need money now though.”

She sat up, narrowed her eyes. “If it were up to me, I’d hold out for ownership of this county. And since I’ll never have any dignity or self-respect, I think I’ll wait until the money makes me think I can buy self-worth.”

His expression softened. “I didn’t mean anything. Chill out.”

She stood, picked up her near-empty drink. “What you meant was you can’t take care of me, and you need my money to do what you should be able to do on your own.” She went to the kitchen, seething, so sick of his inability to take care of her. Especially after all she had done for him.

After filling half her glass with vodka and topping it off with Sprite, she returned to the living room. Dropping to the couch, she took a long drink. Before she got comfortable, he pulled her long blonde hair, jerking her head back. She cried out from the pain.

“Watch your mouth.” He let go of her, pushed her to the other side of the couch. “I’m as sick of being here as you are.” They’d been staying at Trevor and Corey’s apartment for weeks now, ever since their furnace went out.

She scoffed, pulled her body into the fetal position. “Do something about it then.”

He glared at her, and then turned his focus back to the TV. She waited a few minutes before grabbing her drink. She sipped until the glass was nearly empty. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes. Warmth grew throughout her body. She drank at a steady pace all day and only sucked down her drinks quickly when she wanted to escape. When she crossed from her constant buzz to actually being drunk, Ryan didn’t seem as mean, her life didn’t seem as hopeless, and Aaron didn’t seem as dead.

When she opened her eyes, Ryan stared at her. She stared back, finishing her drink. “I don’t understand why I love you so much,” he said.

She rolled her eyes. “Because you’ve known me so long you feel obligated to.” He told her that once. They had known each other their whole lives, their parents being friends, attending the same school and church.

He chuckled. “No, what I said was I’ve known you so long it would be impossible not to love you.”

“Same thing.”

“It’s not, but whatever.”

Their eyes held and gone was the moment when he pulled her hair. “So why do you love me so much? ‘Cause it seems like you hate me.”

His mouth formed a straight line. “Did you seriously just say that?”

She smiled sweetly but said nothing.

He moved on top of her, her empty glass falling to the floor, holding her down. His huge hands pinned her arms above her head.

She kicked him. “Stop!”

He brought one of his hands to her throat. “Look, I know you wanna die. You want me to kill you, and that’s why you keep picking fights with me. It’s not gonna work. I’m not gonna rot in jail for your stupid ass. So, if you want to keep pissing me off, then you’re gonna deal with my anger, no matter how I dish it out.”

She was unfazed, partly because she was suddenly drunk, partly because nothing he did scared her. “So, what’re you gonna do?”

***

Jenny Boston stared at the little gold ring of hearts in her jewelry box and wondered how to word an email ending her relationship with Alex Starr. He couldn’t have really thought she would wait two years, could he?

She tried to remember what had made her love him, but she could barely recall the sound of his voice. His face she remembered, thanks to photographs. His blond hair, blue eyes, tanned skin. She couldn’t remember how his eyes looked when he said he loved her. The feeling of his lips on hers was gone. The scent of his skin, gone.

All of it had been replaced by new memories. Fresh ones every bit as deep as the ones Alex had given her.

She pulled the ring out of her jewelry box and returned it to her left ring finger, remembering how it signified a love that would never end. But like a fire without a flame, time had turned her love for Alex to embers that might never be relit.

At the sound of the apartment door opening, Jenny took off the ring and dropped it back into the jewelry box. She went into the living room to see her mom taking off her coat, dropping her purse to the couch.

At twenty-four years old, Jenny lived with her mom again.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Well, hello stranger. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Jenny smiled, amused. She spent nearly every moment she wasn’t at work with Corey. Most nights she slept in his bed, enveloped in his arms. “Sadie and Ryan are staying at Corey’s, and I can’t handle it anymore.” She paused. “So, he’s coming over here. I’m making spaghetti.”

Her mom nodded. “Ah. I see.” She hung her coat, turned back to Jenny. “Are you upset Ryan didn’t leave Sadie for you?”

Jenny laughed. “Not even close.” Her mom eyed her cautiously, maybe wanting more explanation. “Their furnace is broken, so they’ve been staying over there until they get it fixed. There’s nothing between me and Ryan, and Sadie and I are friends.”

“Never thought I’d hear you say that.” Her mom went to the fridge and grabbed a can of soda. “So, I’m finally gonna meet this Corey guy?”

Jenny glanced at the clock. “Yeah, he’ll be here soon.” She turned on the pot of water to start boiling the pasta. The sauce had been simmering for half an hour, the salad tossed, garlic bread ready for the oven. “But I haven’t told him about Angel.” She caught her mom’s eye. “And I don’t need a lecture. When the time is right, I will.”

“She’s your daughter. You shouldn’t be ashamed.”

“I’m not.” She stared at the pot of water as her mom went into the living room.

While she waited for the water to boil, she went back to her bedroom and gathered up the photos decorating her room and placed them on her closet shelf. The last thing she needed were the faces of Alex and Angelica staring back at her, reminding her of all her secrets and lies.

She felt like she was betraying her daughter, like she was ashamed. At this point, after more than a year of being around Corey, not to mention having known Sadie and Ryan for ten years, how could she tell them she had a daughter living in Springfield she couldn’t take care of?

A knock on the door prompted Jenny to close her closet and move into the living room where her mom opened the door. There stood Corey, still in his work clothes, a duffle bag over his shoulder, looking as beautiful as a late summer sunset. In his hands was a small bouquet of carnations.

“You must be Corey. I’m Tammy,” Jenny’s mom said.

He held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, Tammy.” He offered the flowers. “These are for you.”

“Thank you.” Tammy smiled as she moved from the doorway, flowers in hand, to let him inside. “Jenny, get a vase.” She followed Jenny into the kitchen, leaving Corey in the living room. “He’s friends with Ryan?”

“Only by obligation. They play in that band together.” She poured the pasta into the boiling water; put the garlic bread in the oven.

It was one of the few Friday nights Corey’s band, Mile 258, didn’t have a show. After dinner, when Tammy inquired a million things of Corey, he and Jenny disappeared to her bedroom. They changed from their work clothes into shorts and t-shirts.

“What’s everyone else doing tonight?” Jenny asked.

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” He pulled a bottle of Malibu rum from his bag. “Got cups?”

She giggled, went to the kitchen, grabbed a deck of cards from the junk drawer, and two small juice glasses. “Go fish?” she asked when she returned.

“Same rules?”

“Sure.”

The rules were if you had to “go fish” you also had to take a shot of liquor.

They sat on her bedroom floor near the foot of her bed. A bedside lamp illuminated the room. A few go fishes into the game, Jenny felt heat in her cheeks from the alcohol. She got up and pushed the play on her CD player while Corey got his third go fish. Shania Twain filled the air.

“Seriously? Country? I thought you were a rock ‘n roll girl.”

She laughed. “There are lots of things you don’t know.” His expression hardened. “Besides, Shania is a crossover artist, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, to pop. Another genre that sucks.” He looked at his cards. “You have a five?”

She had a five but wanted him to feel a buzz like hers. “Go fish.”

He narrowed his eyes, but took a card from the pile, then drank the shot.

“Do you have a five?”

He looked at his deck of cards for a moment, before realizing what had happened. “Hey, that’s cheating!” He tossed the card at her.

“How about a king?”

Without even looking at his cards he said, “Go fish.” He poured more than a shot into her glass. “Drink up.”

She did.

The game continued this way for a while-- both of them lying about their cards, forcing the other to drink.

“Let’s up the ante,” he said. “Let’s do a truth or dare when you get a go fish, along with the shot.”

She considered this in her intoxicated mind. A dare she could manage, a truth, not so much. “Ok, fine.”

And of course, when she asked for a jack on her turn, he poured her a shot. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

He handed her the glass of rum. “I dare you to take off your shirt.”

“Seriously? When did this become strip poker?”

He chuckled. “You want truth?”

Without contemplating, she said, “Sure.”

He licked his lips, waited for Jenny to drink her shot. “Have you broken up with Alex yet?”

Their eyes met. It had been three weeks since she took off Alex’s ring; two weeks since she and Corey had crossed the fragile line out of friendship and into something more. But, no, Jenny hadn’t technically broken up with Alex.

She heaved a sigh and pulled her t-shirt over her head.

“Jenny…”

“Don’t.”

He looked at his cards, the pain written on his face. “It’s your turn.”

“Do you have a…kiss?”

“Go fish.”

“I don’t know what to say. I mean, how am I supposed to break up with someone in an email?” She picked up her t-shirt and put it back on.

“Dear Alex, I’ve met someone else, and he lives here, not in Pakistan. Sorry about your luck. Sincerely, Jenny.”

She stifled a laugh. “It’s Tajikistan. And it’s not that easy. We made promises to each other.”

After a moment, he asked, “Do you have a jack?”

Absentmindedly, she tossed him the jack. “Cheater.”

“That’s what Alex will be calling you if you don’t break up with him.”

“You’re an ass.”

He smiled. “Like you didn’t know.”

“Do you have an ace?”

He tossed her the card. “Are you mad?”

“If I wasn’t drunk, I might be.”

“You’re drunk?”

“Just a little.”

He leaned toward her. “Truth or dare?’

“I didn’t have a go fish!”

“You’re not drunk!” He looked at his cards. “Do you have a ten?”

“Go fish!” She poured rum into his glass. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

She realized there was only one thing she wanted to know. “Did you sleep with Sadie?”

***

Corey stared at Jenny, astonished. He’d never expected that question. It was the uncharted territory they didn’t explore. But if he changed his mind and chose a dare, it was as good as admitting it. And since he wanted an answer to his own similar question, he had no choice but to answer.

Except he couldn’t. He knew Jenny felt inferior to Sadie, even though he didn’t understand why. “Dare.”

She offered no dare. Though he admitted nothing, she had the truth.

“Love is bullshit,” she announced. “Fine. You want dare? I dare you to tell me the truth. I want to know what happened between you and Sadie.”

He didn’t answer. She didn’t really want to know.

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Just once.” With you, he thought.

“I’ve been in love a few times, or at least thought I was, and it’s all been bullshit. Never lasts. Nothing does.”

“Do you still love Alex?”

She sneered. “I barely remember him. Did you love Sadie?”

His eyes went wide. “No.”

She studied him for a moment. “Just tell me. Please.” She poured rum into her glass.

“If you tell me about Ryan.”

She poured rum into his glass. “Drink up.”

He waited several moments, pulling courage and the right words from somewhere within him. “Why do want to know?”

“Why do you want to know about Ryan?”

He drew in a deep breath and took a drink. “Yeah, I’ve slept with her.”

She jumped up. “I knew it!” Her eyes bore into him. “So now you know. Yeah, I slept with Ryan.” She sat back down, leaned against her bed. “When? When did you do it?”

Surprisingly, he was unfazed by her admission. “On our lunch hour.”

“On your lunch hour?”

“Yeah.”

“Just once?”

“No. It went on for a while.”

Her face was stricken. “Wow. Why?”

He shrugged, took another drink. “She wanted to. I ended it months ago. The day she broke her leg.”

Her eyes widened. “Ryan did tell the truth. Well, about that part at least.”

“When did you and Ryan?”

She sipped her rum. “You gotta hear the whole story. Start to finish.”

He nodded, curious to know how someone like her could have been with someone like Ryan.

“Right after high school, at a party, he acted like he liked me. I was stupid and believed him, and we did it in his best friend Tyler’s truck.” She sighed, moved next to him. He took her hand. “He was leaving for the Marines, right? And said he’d call me when he came home. Well, he didn’t. Instead, he showed up at Tyler’s house with Sadie.” She looked into his eyes. “This was after Tyler chose Sadie over me. And after Sadie caught me and Tyler together.” She paused, closed her eyes. “So it hurt. A lot. And I was pregnant.”

Corey felt a jolt run through him.

“It hurt that he didn’t call me, but even more that he was with Sadie.”

“Ryan got you pregnant?”

She nodded, still not looking up at him.

“Does he know?”

“Yeah, he knows, but Sadie doesn’t. Only a few people do.”

Corey felt like a canyon had opened between them. Never in a million years had he thought this was the story between her and Ryan. “What happened?”

She took a deep breath, snuggled next to him. He wrapped his arm around her. “I had an abortion.” He kissed the top of her head, willing his heart to soften. “He was mad about it, but every time he came home, he wanted to see me. He told me how horrible Tyler was, and he was right, but I didn’t ever feel anything for him. After a while, he started seeing Sadie. I think he did it to hurt me. When I ran into them last year, he made some comment about being in too deep and not knowing how to get out.”

She sighed. “I still hated her for the whole mess with Tyler, and Ryan kept calling and I felt bad for him. He told me Sadie was sick, and, I mean, I know she is, but it’s no excuse.” She looked at him. “I only did it because I wanted to get back at them.”

Corey felt the canyon close.

She shook her head and looked away. “After he pushed her down the stairs that day, he came here. He wanted to move in.” Their eyes met again. “And then you came to my work and told me all that stuff.”

He brushed his hand along her cheek, like he could wipe away her pain. “You didn’t know.”

“But I did. All the signs that he hit her were there, but I ignored them.”

“It’s ok.” He kissed her forehead.

“Remember when I went over there to get that phone number? He didn’t realize I already figured everything out. He thought I was there to see him, tried to make moves on me.” She laughed. “I spit in his face.”

He smiled, let out a low chuckle. “That’s awesome.”

“I thought so too.” She looked at him. He lowered his face, locked his lips with hers. “You’re on the pill or something now, right?”

She giggled, maneuvered herself on top of him. “Yes, I am. But shouldn’t you have asked that a few weeks ago?”

It was actually the first time he’d thought of it. “Did you know Sadie had a miscarriage when she fell?”

“Yeah, she told me.” He didn’t need to say any more; she understood now the baby could have been his. “All this is sort of ironic, isn’t it?”

“No. It’s fate.” He started undressing her, kissing every inch of her he could. And while he made love to her atop the forgotten deck of cards, he was sure there was nothing she could say that would make him think he could live without her. The fact she wasn’t an open book, secrets kept deep within her, drew him to her like bees to honey.

have her pretty little baby

Saturday morning, when Jenny remembered the night before, she felt sick. Over breakfast at Denny’s, she decided to breach the subject, realizing sober it wasn’t as easy to talk about.

She looked at Corey as he shoved eggs and toast into his mouth. “So, I had fun playing go-fish-truth-or-dare last night, but now I have questions.”

He stopped chewing, locked his eyes on her. “About what?”

“Sadie. You didn’t give me much detail.”

“What do you wanna know?”

She frowned, looked at her plate. “You said you guys would get together on your lunch break. Where?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Well, I’m thinking you only had an hour. I’m just trying to figure out where you guys went. You couldn’t have gotten to your apartment and back and still had time to do whatever. And her house is even farther.”

“Why do you want to know this? I didn’t ask you where you and Ryan did it.”

She let out a short chuckle. “Usually at my house.”

He didn’t seem to care. “The first time was in their bed. Ryan had passed out on the couch. He even caught me in bed. The rest of the time was in my truck.”

She raised an eyebrow, took a sip of orange juice. “He caught you?”

“Yeah. He didn’t say anything at first, and by the time he realized what might have happened….” He shrugged. “I don’t know. He bought it.”

As they left the restaurant, Jenny still felt uneasy by the whole thing. She took her seat on the passenger side of Corey’s SUV, shut the door, and then opened it immediately, jumping out. “Give me your coat.”

“For what?”

“Just gimme your coat.”

He took off his coat and handed it to her. “You do know it’s January.”

She snatched the coat and spread it across the passenger seat before she climbed back in, sitting atop his coat.

He turned over the engine. “Seriously? You’re gonna sit on my coat while I freeze?”

She ignored him.

“Usually we were in this seat.”

She glared at him.

“I didn’t say anything while I slept in your bed, where you and Ryan did it.”

“I’ve changed my sheets a few times since then. You can’t change your seats.”

“Wow.”

They had been at her apartment for two hours and hadn’t spoken. She hated that this bothered her so much. Things between them were fine until they played that stupid game.

Any other girl, she wouldn’t have cared. The fact it was Sadie made her sick to her stomach.

“So you’re not talking to me?”

She looked at him, studied the pale eyes she loved. This hurt him as much as it hurt her. She looked away when he continued speaking.

“You know, I should be pissed too. Aside from knowing you were crazy enough to sleep with Ryan, not just once, but several times, you still haven’t broken up with Alex.” She faced him. “And I didn’t even ask for something to sit on before I sat here.”

She glared at him. “Did you just call me crazy?”

“No, I said you were crazy enough to sleep with Ryan.”

“Well, you’re stupid enough to sleep with Sadie.”

“So?”

“And you were stupid enough to get caught. And cause her to have a miscarriage and break her leg! What did you think was gonna happen when she had the baby?”

“Nobody even knew she was pregnant! Not even her!”

Jenny got off the bed, leaned against her dresser. “How do I know that? Maybe you did know. Maybe you guys had some plan worked out to be together.”

He laughed. “Are you kidding me? Even if we did, it would be the best thing for her!”

She didn’t try to hide her shock. Her jaw fell, her eyes went wide. “So if you go home right now and she says she’s done with Ryan, you’d do what? Take her somewhere? Make her all better? Knock her up again so you could have her pretty little baby?”

He got off the bed, moved across the room to her and took her hands in his. “You’re making this into something it’s not. I wanna be with you, Jen. Just you.”

She pulled away from him, feeling lightheaded. She sat on the edge of the bed and lowered her head. He was instantly beside her, rubbing her back. Everything was going all wrong. She never should have let herself be so vulnerable.

“I swear to you, what me and Sadie did was nothing. It meant nothing to either of us. Once she told me she pretended I was someone else, and I told her I did the same. I wished she were you.”

“That’s sick, Corey! Why would you tell me that?”

“Because I want you to know how much you mean to me.”

“I think you should go. I need some time.”

“Jenny….”

She turned away, the sting of tears burning her eyes. She walked back to her dresser and opened her jewelry box and pulled out Alex’s ring, placing it on her finger. Corey’s arms came around her waist and she held her left hand out, wiggled her fingers.

“No, Jen, don’t.” He tugged at her hand.

She faced him, her hands behind her back. “Alex never slept with Sadie.”

The pain across his face was unmistakable, but Jenny was numb. She’d seen the way he looked at Sadie too many times to go through that again. Even if she tried to work this out with him, it would always be in the back of her mind. That evil little seed telling her she wasn’t worthy.

“I’m not leaving.”

And he didn’t. He ordered her favorite pizza from Leo’s, rubbed her back, kissed her neck softly, but never spoke another word. When she went to bed, he followed, pulled her close, and she allowed herself to cry.

She needed this; she needed him, but she couldn’t move past the betrayal, so she left Alex’s ring on her finger in an effort to stop betraying him.

***

Their plan was flawless. On Monday, Trevor Dixon and Sadie had gone to see The Family Man with Nicholas Cage, one of her favorite actors. After the movie was over, they bought tickets to see the show again on Wednesday at 1:50 p.m. Except right after Ryan left for work at four-thirty that morning, Trevor and Sadie would leave for St. Louis.

Still, she wouldn’t stop worrying.

“What if he goes to the theatre after he gets off? He won’t see your truck there.”

“Sadie, it’s fine.”

But she couldn’t be quieted. Her fear ran too deep. “I don’t want to think about what he’s gonna do when he finds out. It’ll be bad.” She looked at him, her sky-blue eyes wide with fear. “You know that, right?”

“He’s not gonna find out.”

Sadie gave the exact address of a law firm to him earlier in the week, and he’d used the Internet for directions. It was in downtown St. Louis, luckily not too far over the Mississippi River. He drove seventy-five miles per hour to make sure they would be back in time.

Sadie sighed next to him. Leaned against the window, her eyes were closed.

He studied her for the millionth time, enchanted by her stunning beauty. She was too skinny, but aside from that, she could be a model with her height, long golden curls and unbelievable eyes. If she put on fifteen, maybe twenty pounds, she’d turn heads everywhere she went.

From the moment he met her, he’d been fascinated by her, and not just her looks. It was the missing emotion in her eyes that drew him to her. How did Ryan not see that? Didn’t he see what he did to her was so much more than bruises and broken bones?

“How much farther?” she asked.

“An hour or so, I think.”

She stared at the in-dash clock. “It’s already eight-thirty. Are we gonna make it back in time?”

“Yes. Calm down.”

She crossed her arms. “Easy for you to say.”

“There’s the other option.”

“What?”

He looked at her. “We don’t go back.”

She let out a short laugh. “Right.”

Fifty minutes later, Trevor fed a meter outside The Law Offices of Panozzo and Rossi. As long as Sadie was as quick as she said she’d be, they’d make it home in time.

Ten minutes later, she reappeared, hugged a girl with long black hair, and got into the truck wiping her eyes.

“Go.”

Trevor had suspected the money she was getting had something to do with Aaron, her college boyfriend. He was sure of it now. The silent tears and forlorn expression she wore told him so. Plus the girl Sadie hugged resembled the vague memory Trevor had of Aaron.

They stopped at the Litchfield exit for lunch.

“I’m not hungry,” she said.

“You should eat.”

She glared at him and got out of the truck. He was about to get out of the truck when he noticed her purse lying on the floorboard. He could see a check poking out of it. He started to reach for it but stopped himself.

Sadie trusted him. He didn’t want to lose that.

She waited for him when he came out of the bathroom. “You sure you don’t want something to eat?”

“No, but I am thirsty.”

They made their way to the Jack-in-the-Box side of the gas station, where he ordered a combo meal, and she ordered the largest soda they had. On their way out, she stopped in the line for the gas station cashier.

“I already paid,” he said.

She raised an eyebrow. “I need something to put in here.” She held up her soda.

He’d failed to realize when she said she was thirsty, she meant alcohol.

“A half-pint of vodka, please,” she told the cashier. Trevor paid.

In the truck, he watched her pour the entire bottle into her soda cup. “Thank you, Trev.”

“No problem.”

A while later, after he couldn’t handle the silence any longer, he asked, “Do you wanna tell me about him?”

“About who?”

“Aaron.”

Her head whipped toward him. “Aaron?”

He nodded. “Sometimes it helps to talk about things.”

“He doesn’t let me even bring up his name anymore.”

“Who? Ryan?”

She nodded. “Yeah. He said the past is the past and I need to get over it.”

Trevor had met Aaron a few times and knew he and Sadie were much more than friends. Trevor studied people, and never had he seen a connection as deep at the one Sadie shared with Aaron. He had been sure she’d leave Ryan for Aaron eventually.

That wouldn’t happen now.

“It’s just that he understood me. He knew everything about me. I mean everything. I didn’t keep any secrets from him. Things I could never in a million years tell Ryan, he knew. And some of them were awful, but he didn’t care.” She pulled her legs to her chest, sucked on her drink. “He loved me anyway. And I broke his heart. I just walked away, thinking he’d always be there when I was ready to come back.” She pushed her face into her knees.

He knew she was crying. “Come here,” he said, holding his arm out for her.

She turned her head, saw him welcoming her and slid over.

“And for what?” she said, her voice strained and shrill. “For Ryan? How could I have been so stupid? I knew nothing would ever change.”

Trevor held her body while it shook against him, tempted to pull over and help her devise a new plan. One where they didn’t go back to Joliet.

“Ryan wasn’t always like this. He used to be nice. That’s why I liked him so much. I never thought he’d hurt me.”

She didn’t offer any more. Eventually she repositioned herself so she was lying on his leg, dozing off. He ran his fingers through her hair wishing he could make everything better.

They got back to Joliet at 4:15 p.m. Sadie sat with a start and grabbed her purse. “Put this in your wallet.” She handed him the check. “We’ll take it to the bank another day. Soon.” She smiled at him, met his eyes with honest appreciation. “Thank you so much. For everything.”

Trevor fought the urge to look at the check as he shoved it in his wallet. He followed Sadie into his apartment.

Ryan looked to have just gotten out of the shower. “Hey, babe. How was the movie?”

“It was good. One of those that make you think, you know?” She walked over to him.

He leaned down and kissed her. “Oh yeah? What was it about?”

Sadie went to the kitchen, and Trevor was sure she was making a drink. “There was this guy, he was really successful….”

***

Jenny didn’t talk to Corey all day Sunday, or even get out of bed. He’d gone home, gathered more clothes and returned, spent the night holding her. He’d been bored early in the day, thinking she was ill, so he read to her from The Outsiders.

On Monday, she didn’t go to work. That evening, he gathered more clothes and went to her house again, discovering she hadn’t moved. He finished reading The Outsiders to her, unsure of what else he should do.

Tuesday was a replay of Monday, except Corey spoke to Jenny’s mom about his concern.

“She’s depressed. This has happened before,” Tammy explained. She knelt next to Jenny. Corey hung back, feeling the moment was private, but he wanted to hear what was said, hoping for insight.

“I know what you’re doing. And you know what’s gonna happen. You get out of this bed before I get home from work tomorrow or I’ll be calling an ambulance. Understand?” She brushed hair out of her daughter’s face and stood up.

She met Corey’s eyes. “What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did something happen that upset her? Bad news, something like that?”

He shook his head. “I…. Oh. Maybe.” He followed Tammy back to the living room. “This has happened before?”

She nodded. “A few times. But it’s not my place to tell you.”

He waited a few moments, hoping she would offer more.

“Look,” Tammy started. “You seem like a nice guy, and I can tell you like her a lot. She needs someone strong, someone who can handle her ups and downs and mood swings. She is very strong willed, and if things don’t go her way, well, this is what happens.” She looked at him standing at the end of the couch. “It’s her way or the highway. And that’s all there is to it. She doesn’t listen to reason or advice. Once her mind is made up, it’ll just about take an act of congress to change it.”

He took Tammy’s words with him into Jenny’s room, letting them take root in him, form meaning, and apply them to himself.

He was strong; he could handle mood swings, and ups and downs. And he’d experienced her strong will plenty of times. It was part of what drew him to her.

The part that tore at him was Tammy saying once her mind was made up there was little that could be done to change it.

Jenny had put Alex’s ring back on. She’d decided Corey wasn’t what she wanted.

When he left the next morning, he set a pack of Saltines and a glass of water next to her bed, told her to eat something. He wasn’t giving up. Alex wouldn’t be back for seven more months.

After work, as he climbed into his Ford Explorer, his cell phone rang. He pulled it out, saw Jenny’s number on the screen and answered frantically. “Hello?”

“Applesauce.”

“Applesauce?”

“Yeah, applesauce.”

“You need some?”

“Duh.” And she hung up.

He stopped at Cub Foods, bought applesauce, a bag of pizza rolls, a two liter of pop, and a bouquet of flowers.

Jenny was still in bed when he got to her apartment.

“You want me to put it in a bowl?” he asked while he set the flowers next to her.

She didn’t seem to hear him, her focus on the flowers.

He left the room and returned with a bowl of applesauce and a glass of water. The flowers were gone. He handed the applesauce to her, surveying the room for the flowers. They lay on the floor.

He sighed and sat beside her. When she finished eating, she handed him the bowl, got out of bed, fished some clothes from the dresser and left the room. Moments later, he heard the shower.

While she showered, he picked up the flowers and put them in a vase, setting them on a shelf.

She returned to her room wearing black sweatpants and an old high school t-shirt. Her hair was wet and her face gaunt, likely from not eating for four days. Her eyes were full of anger, but he wasn’t sure why. She couldn’t possibly still be mad about Sadie.

She stood in the doorway glaring at him. “So, I have a daughter. She’ll be three in April.”

For a fleeting moment, he wondered if she was delirious.

“She lives with my sister in Springfield. Apparently, I’m a bad mom.” She laughed, but it wasn’t a happy sound. She walked to the closet and rummaged at the top.

He let this tidbit of information sink in. Why hadn’t anyone ever mentioned this to him?

“This is her.” She tossed a framed picture of a little girl on the bed. He looked at it, realizing he’d seen it before on her desk at work. She said it was her niece, but a better look told him the girl was identical to Jenny, except for the eyes. She must’ve gotten them from her father.

“So, now you can go. Walk away and don’t look back. Forget about the nutcase who can’t even take care of herself, let alone her daughter.”

He looked up. “I’m not leaving.”

She laughed, tears falling on her cheeks. “Are you nuts? I just told you I have a kid and she was taken away from me! Run while you can!”

“I don’t care. I really don’t.” He shook his head, glanced at the picture lying on the bed. “You could tell me you murdered your last boyfriend, and I still wouldn’t leave.”

“You’re so stupid. What do I have to do to make you leave?”

He watched her wipe her tears. Did she really want him to leave? Was she really so upset she was willing to throw away what they had? No, it hadn’t been much, but to him it was everything. His life before her seemed shallow now; a stream of girls who never held his interest like she did.

Except Sadie, but she was a different breed altogether.

If she really wanted him to leave, to step back and maybe even out of her life, could he do it? Should he do it?

“If you really want me to go, just tell me. Tell me this is all over. Tell me it was a mistake. I’ll go. Just don’t stand there and make up excuses, trying to convince yourself you’re not good enough for me. You are too good for me and my whole life changed when I met you.”

She turned away, and he could tell by how her body shook she was crying. Corey wanted to go to her, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. If she didn’t want him, he would go.

Several minutes passed before she turned around.

“Her name is Angel. Angelica. Ryan and Sadie don’t know about her, and I want to keep it that way. Tyler is her dad. It’ll just cause trouble for me and him. Ryan will be so mad because of what happened, and, well, he’ll just be mad. You can never tell. Never.” She leaned against the wall. “Eleven pounds, Corey. That’s how much weight I lost in the last four days.” She laughed. “It’s amazing, the power Sadie has over me. I’m not her. I’ll never be her. I’ll never be anything like her. But somehow, we’ve been thrown together in this miserable life, and I get compared to her.”

“Sadie doesn’t compare to you.”

She held her hand up. “Sure, sure. She’s damaged in a whole different way. I know. But I can’t compete. Never in a million years will I be as carefree and easy-going as she is. It’s just not me. I’m not going to roll with the punches, literally or figuratively. I seriously hate her on so many levels, but then again, I love her, especially now that we’re friends. I envy her and everything she has. Even Ryan.

“I still wonder if I would’ve decided to leave Tyler for him if he would treat me that way. It’s how I can understand why she stays. I knew Ryan before he was this guy. And she hopes he’ll wake up one day and be the well-mannered, gentle, nice, polite guy we grew up with.

“I pretend I am so much better and smarter than her, but am I? Sure, in high school I had a higher GPA, but what about since then? She finished college, I didn’t. She had a good job, bought a new car. I earn minimum wage and live with my mom. My brother-in-law gave me my car. I have a kid I can’t even take care of.” She stopped talking and took a deep breath. “And then there are all the things you don’t even know.”

Corey moved across the room to her. He drew her into his arms; she rested her head on his chest.

After a moment, she pulled back, looked into his eyes. “And yes, Corey, I really do want you to leave.” She pulled away from him.

“Jenny.”

“I’m sorry.”

He felt a knife in his heart. How could he lose her when he had just gotten her? “No, please.”

She smiled, but it was one of pity. “I never should have let it go this far, letting you think this could be something it can’t.”

He reached out, but she recoiled. “It can be whatever you want.”

“I don’t want it to be anything.”

***

“I’ve watched you do a lot of stupid things and just stood by and told myself you’re a grown woman. But that guy sat here for four days thinking you were sick or something and you just up and tell him to leave.”

“Shut up, Mom,” Jenny said, moving into her bedroom.

Tammy followed. “I’m not gonna shut up.” Jenny sat on her bed, picked absently at the worn comforter. “You’re making yourself miserable. And for what? Because you don’t think you deserve to be happy? Because you’re holding on to what you and Tyler could’ve had?”

She looked at her mom. “Tyler has nothing to do with this. I hate him.”

Tammy frowned. “You don’t hate him, and you know it. You hate what happened to your relationship. The life you had painted in your head for the two of you was not what he wanted.”

“So what? Are you saying I guilted him into being with me?”

“No. I’m saying you guys are too different. You were together because it was convenient.”

“Are you kidding? I loved him!”

“I know that. And he loved you. But was it real love? Did you feel for Tyler like you did for Alex? Or Corey?”

“I don’t feel anything for Corey.” Even as the words fell from her lips, she knew they were lies.

“Tell yourself that all you want, but you can’t fool me. You lit up like a Christmas tree when he walked in here the other day.”

“Mom, he was with Sadie.”

“Seems like everyone has been. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is I don’t compare to her. I never will. And I spent two years with Tyler wondering if he wished I were her. I don’t want to feel like that again.”

“Did Tyler wish you were her?”

She thought about this for a moment. Tyler didn’t talk about Sadie much after they got together, but that didn’t mean anything. “I don’t know.”

“I’m guessing not. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are a smart, beautiful young woman, but you have this inferiority complex that is breaking you apart. If you feel like you are living in Sadie Montgomery’s shadow, then maybe you need new friends.”

She pictured Sadie’s lost eyes, fearful expression. If she weren’t her friend, who would be? “She needs me.”

“More than you need yourself?”

“It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t have anyone else.”

“Suit yourself. But no matter if you stay friends with her or not, you need to apologize to Corey. There was no reason to treat him like that. But more importantly, you need to figure out what to do about Alex. That’s a good guy who loves you and he’s never met Sadie. I’m sure he’s expecting you’re being faithful and as in love with him as you were the day he left.”

Tears spilled from Jenny’s eyes. “I barely remember him. I don’t remember how it felt to love him, or what his voice sounded like.” She sniffled. “It’s kinda like Angel. The memory faded and I forgot. Just like she forgot me.”

Tammy sat next to her daughter, drew her into a hug. “Angel didn’t forget you. She knows you’re her mom.”

Jenny looked at her mom through her tears. “No, she doesn’t. Jackie’s her mom. My whole life in Springfield is best forgotten. Nothing but bad ever happened there.”

“That’s not true.”

Jenny didn’t argue because there was no point. Her mom was obviously in one of her moods where she thought she needed to enlighten Jenny on all of life’s woes. After her mom left the room, she sniffed the flowers Corey brought, taking in the fragrant scent of them. She sat on the edge of her bed and debated what to do.

Now that Corey was gone.

The last four months had been consumed by spending every moment with him, and she’d grown used to it. What had she done before she let Corey into her life?

She emailed Alex every day. She read books and watched TV with her mom. She dreamed of the day Alex came back, and he, Jenny, and Angel would be a family.

She let Ryan come over.

She knew men’s brains operated differently than women’s brains. Naturally, Corey hadn’t been bothered by her admission to what happened with Ryan. Corey liked her, liked her a lot. Maybe even felt more than that.

After Christmas, when Tyler showed up at Jackie’s with his new little family and pregnant girlfriend, Jenny realized how ridiculous it was for her to think she was worthy of someone like Alex. Tyler trying to make things work with this Bobbi girl was enough to make Jenny realize she wasn’t even good enough for him. He hadn’t been willing to try for her, and they’d been friends since they were thirteen. So how could she be good enough for Alex, who’d only known her for eight months before leaving?

She’d returned home, removed Alex’s ring, and decided to give in to Corey. Surely all he had wanted from her was sex. And once he had it, he would leave her alone. But he surprised her. He turned her down saying the moment wasn’t right, but in the morning, the way he looked at her spoke volumes.

And he didn’t let her go. Sex wasn’t all he wanted, and she wanted him more than she thought was possible.